its been a while

cause I'm so stinkin stressed out!!! We've had house guests - not the ones I like either. The ones who go to sleep early, but they're in your living room so any LIVING you wanted to do has to stop at 8pm, approximately the same time you put your 2 year old to bed (no wait,she stays up later than that sometimes). Ya know? The kind that make it impossible to do the things you planned to do because they're in your space and over your shoulder and all "Are you sure about that?" with everything you do? That kind.
I finished my mama's quilt and I'm pretty proud of it. She loves it :) I'm going to make some menstrual pads for my cousiny thing soonand then..then I'll open up shop as a WAHM cause damnit I have a sewing machine! Ok massive lie - I will never be skilled enough, patient enough, or ready enough to sell my wares again. It was draining when I did it before, I can only imagine how sewn goods would be draining! Plus I kinda suck! lol

SOOO much is going on! I got casted for a new set of AFO leg braces because the current ones are killin me! I'm getting my next nerve block on the 12th, ya know, only 2m after it was due and the receptionist was a REAL bitch and didn't even appologize for not calling me like she was supposed to. Thanks a lot hag!

Shae's dad is once again failing on the child support front. Its been 3 pay periods that he's behind THIS time, I expect another 8m dry spell on support and then a call about how much he wants to be a dad or some bullshit. His gf is pregnant (not sayin its his..just that she's pregnant) and so I'm sure he's forgotten all about Shae by now. I'm hoping my disability comes through this time. PLEASE let it come through! I've done all that was required of me - all the tests and exams, I'm trying. I need it. We shall see!

to the best guy I know

I love you guy, you're the bestest. You're a great father and a great friend. Your wife should know how amazing you are. I wish we had more time to talk, but life and stress and pain all get in the way. You're the only one that really knows how I feel sometimes with my back and all. You're the best. Happy Father's day, guy.

I know, I slack.

Today is a really hard day for me.

Father's day reminds me how horrid my dad is.
How horrible my children's fathers are.

How much it hurts.

And what's worse? My brother is here and I'm being screamed at and mocked by my mother because he's a fuck up.

My dad hasn't answered a call from me since last October. Won't return my calls, won't call me. I don't know why. I don't know what I did to screw up so badly that he's done with me. I don't know. I'm the only one who came to take care of him when he drove into traffic because he was playing with his ipod. His oh-so-loved step children - one who lives with him at 28ish - none of them came to help out. They all lived a lot closer, no one came to help him. I came with my child and I wiped his ass. I took care of his every need. But I'm not good enough now that my ex left 2 years ago. No, that guy left ME and my dad left me too. My dad distanced himself greatly once the ex left and has continued with that since.

So my dad, he apparently thinks he should be involved with my children without ever speaking to me again. No way, no way in hell. Not happening. Fuck you.

My brother goes to see my dad several times a year - always to ask for money. I've never asked my dad for money - only one that hasn't asked for a freakin dime, not even as a small child. Somehow he's got the idea that all I want from him is money though, despite that fact. I've told my brother a million times, DO NOT BRING HIS SHIT TO MY HOUSE. If my dad asks you to bring my children something, don't do it. Don't bring birthday or christmas presents. Don't get involved.

For whatever fucked up reason, my brother dropped off a birthday present and presented it as one from him. I opened it at Shae's birthday party, read the card and was almost in tears from the anger. I said to get that piece of evil out of my house. I did. I really said that. I meant it. I truly believe my father is evil and anything he touches he has a motive for that is selfish and to hurt someone else.

When my brother came over today, I ask to clarify who the present was from. I reminded him that he is NOT to bring things from that man into this house. I will not allow him to screw with me again and fuck up every good thing I think I have going. He literally ruined my daughter's second birthday party for me. My mom just got through yelling at me over this and then mocking me and calling me a cry baby for being upset. She said "Oh so go to your room and crrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy about it. booohoooooo" FUCK THAT. Hell yeah I'm crying. I'm so pissed and hurt and torn about this. Apparently its ok to be a total asshole if you're the first born ass kisser who only comes around when he wants something, like money or to borrow the truck. Promise, he'll leave here with a check from my mom. She asked how he was on money. The dude is almost 30. He's able bodied with no dependents. He should be JUST FUCKING FINE on money. He's got a master's degree and is a PhD candidate. He shouldn't be having a money problem. Know why he does? Cause he buys stupid shit and eats out all the time and buys expensive things that he'll never use. For that? For that you can be late on your rent. For that you can go without groceries cause you're busy buying Macs. You deal with your own issues.

But no, you come here when you need shit, don't take responsibility for a damn thing you do, and be an arrogant asshole. That's fine. That's perfect. Don't expect a damn thing from me. Cause guess what buddy? Other people might be kissing your ass and bowing in your presence but I'm the one who will tell you when you're an asshole and when you're being ridiculous. You do not impress me with your useless education in film studies. You do not impress me with your attitude and your entitlement. You are nothing worth noting except in a negative light.

oh man oh man

I have to see my doc this week. I need a refill on my pain meds and I'm NOT happy about seeing that dude. We don't get along. He's lacking of compassion and I go overboard with compassion. He thinks that my outer expressions should be very telling of my inner feelings. So if I come in and I'm not in the fetal position with cheeks stained with tears then I MUST not be in pain. Fortunately he has a PA who understands pain is subjective rather than objective. I'm not a whiner. Most people don't know how bad my pain can get because I won't say anything. I don't expect people to just know, I expect people to not notice lol
I don't want special treatment and I don't want pity because I'm in pain. I'm always going to be in pain with my back problems,I want a normal life. So no, I won't be grunting and whincing and I will try my ass off not to walk oddly (although I fail there because my body has a mind of its own) so that people don't cater to me,baby me, or try to make things easier for me. I'll let people know when I need help - but let me try first! I'm pretty good at letting people know when I need something. Which is why I'm on these pain meds - I need some help so I can function as well as I do.
My doc is also under the impression that while it took him 3-4m to lose 5lbs,that it should take me about 2 weeks to lose 150lbs. Ok maybe 3 weeks.
He's just...we're not a good match. I keep saying I'll find another doctor but I'm a bit afraid of going to someone new with all my problems and my list of medications. I just don't want that doubt or someone thinking I'm drug seeking. I KNOW my doc thinks it sometimes,but he SAYS it. He's been burned a lot apparently. I've told him that HIS bad judge of character doesn't make ME a bad person. He's been my doc for 5 years and I haven't screwed him over. I don't take my meds to feel good,I take them to get a step closer to normally functional. That's all. Unfortunately when he referred me to my pain specialist he ONLY set me up with one who does proceedures, not prescribes meds. I need one of each. The level my fusion at is tricky. Its a bit high. My pain doc does steriod injections for LOW back pain and my level is at T12/L1 so its mid back. The injections help SOME but they don't do anything for my higher back pain. I'm also WAAAY late to get my injections (bilateral nerve block actually) because the arm on his imaging machine is broken - got fixed and broke again. A LOT of us are NOT happy or healthy or functional right now because of that. So no nerve block, my neurologist is in clincs and not returning calls for another med (that I have some left of thank god) and I have to see my crazy primary doc for pain meds and he'll be all in a huff about why my pain doc isn't doing the prescribing. Not the bestest of weeks for the doc and me.

Fail

I experienced mommy fail today.

Today was the girl's 2nd birthday party. It was a fabulous time and I'm so glad everyone came. However, we did have a near tragedy. One friend's little girls got into our pool (in ground, not huge, fairly shallow with the deep end being 6ft and the shallow end being extended). One of the girls got in too deep. I'm not sure of the details - I was right there on the other side of the pool but I was watching other kids and talking and just not paying attention to that one girl. Apparently it got pretty scary and one party-goer jumped in and grabbed her up. It was a bad thing. Girl's mommy wasn't there - which was just a poor planning kinda deal, she was getting something and the girls weren't supposed to get in without her (family rule of mine that everyone follows gladly - no kids without parents in the pool, if parent's aren't there then said kids must wear life jackets AND must have other authorized adult present IN the pool. One of many pool rules). It was very brief and no harm was done except a few accelerated heartbeats and maybe some acute hypertension. Girliegirl is fine and just a bit shook up, as she should be. I hope that these little incidents are the things that prevent the big tragic incidents for everyone. Of course, within minutes of that girlie was fine. She was on my lap talking about it and then I hear "Hi mommy!" and MY girlie is in the pool!!! She got herself right in! Mommy that was in charge of my girlie (since with my disability I can't get in the pool without major assistance and so I just don't do it) was busy telling her boydude something and took her eyes off my girlie for just a second. My girlie made a beeline for the pool before anyone could see it happen!!! Now, she was fine - holding onto the edge and smiling ear to ear. I sure did feel like massive failure after the two incidents though. You'd think incident A would be enough to prevent incident B but...b is for but. It didn't happen. I know that I should have been in charge of my own child, I get that. There's my mommy fail. I also should have been keeping a general eye on all the kids in the pool and I didn't - mommy fail dos. I feel horrible about what happened and I'm just extremely thankful that girliegirl is ok and nothing serious happened because it could have. Pools are a fantastically fun thing for kids but that much water is deadly and dangerous -especially to new swimmers. We did have a pile of lifejackets down at the pool when this happened and we enforced more usage. I need to get my girlie her first life jacket this year! Unfortunately she won't need it too long so it won't be a super cute/expensive one. She'll get something plain and size appropriate. Of course it would be size appropriate if it was cute - but it would have been size appropriate with Disney princesses on it (peeeeeeenseeeeeeeeessssssssssss!!!!).

Ah that pool, a fun thing to have - nice to have the fun of a pool with the privacy of your yard. Expensive as all get out though. Last year my parents sunk $10,000 in the pool to give it a little facelift. The child safety gate system was something like $5,000 but its got a 10 year warranty, the chemicals we have to use in it are expensive, to just fill it up with water is $200 or so. Its a money suck. A fun, attractive, useful money suck. We'd save a hell of a lot with community waterpark/pool passes and their crappy concession stand food. At home though I can make us sugar free snow cones though so that's good. Yes, I own a snow cone maker. I bought it for myself during my last pregnancy. I love it too. So kiss that.

Oh so anyway, girliegirl's sister is being baptized tomorrow. I'll call her beautyqueen. Beautyqueen is 7 and she's a real sweetie since she stopped being allowed to watch Hannah Montana. Lemme tell ya, that beautyqueen had a bosy streak you could see from a mile away! Now she's way more constructive with it and just a nice kid to be around - she was before too, but my sensitive boy couldn't handle her in the Hannah days, now he thinks she's great! So beautyqueen is getting baptized tomorrow morning and when she came up to me with that sweet face and told me, the first thing out of my mouth was "Can I come watch?" I don't think her intent was to ask me, but she sure lit up when I asked :) She said "yeah!!! Its at 8:30!!" so then I had to clarify, I will come, girlie will come, manboy will be sleeping at home. He doesn't like to get up before noon - when you're that handsome you need your beauty sleep I guess. He's only 6. Teenage years will kill me here. I'm totally excited to watch her be baptized. I've missed some of their events because of my surgeries and I really try to make it a point to go to whatever I can so that they know that I care and to build that long lasting relationship. I'm hoping that we'll all still be this close when the kids are teens and that beautyqueen will know that I'm here to support her through that stuff too.

Anyway! This 8:30 church time is bumming me out. Don't church people sleep??? LOL I know they do, but ya see - since my surgeries sleep has become so much more important. I know I'll manage JUST fine with one day where I wake up earlier. I'll be just fine. However, it made me realize that I LIKED being part of a church and all that goes with it before we moved here. I really did. I looked but never found the right church for us that agreed with enough of my morals. See, I'm not a big religious person and I do struggle with the concept of God on a weekly basis. I don't know exactly where I stand but I DO know that when you find a church that preaches your values and morals that you will find a WHOLE lot of other people with those same values and morals. This is a good thing. Finding the right church fit however is a long hard road. Well, unless you're lucky. I do think that church is something we should explore as a family this summer. I might make the homeschool focus on various religions for the next couple of months and we can learn about them together. That part of homeschool I'm FINE with learning together - he's totally getting a tutor when we get to higher level math!

I think the thing that has put me off of finding a church more than anything is sleep. Sleep is so desperately important to my life now. I must find a service that starts at 10-11am. I don't want a Sunday night service. I have a good reason too. When I was pregnant with manboy I live in a Baptist women's shelter. We went to church Tuesday, Wednesday and twice on Sunday. I didn't mind it - I kind of liked it, it was good stuff. The only thing I DIDN'T like is that Sunday night's service was a condensed and interrupted version of Sunday morning. In the time I stayed there we went to 5-6 different churches and it was ALWAYS like that. Sunday night was when people felt like it was ok to go to church sick, interrupt the preaching mid-sermon, leave, listen to ipods, take their loud children (I've got kids - I know that "I GOTTA GO PEEEE PEEEEEEEEE!' is bound to be yelled at sometime, but these are the kids who talk non-stop, much like manboy when he's not entertained), and talk during the service. Sunday night was for the people who were doing it cause they HAD to.

So I think that next month, say mid-July, I will start looking at specific churches for my family to attend. There are some that I will go to simply because I went there when I was in the shelter and it will bring back memories of the first time manboy was ever in a church. Then girlie will have her first time in a church in that same church and I'll cry. Its a good cry though, I just hope I remember how to get there! I also had some great mentors from that church and I'd love to see if they're still there. Positive influences, they're a good thing. One other thing in that particular church. I was assigned a prayer warrior when I was late in my pregnancy with manboy. That woman was in her late 80's, sweet as honey and understanding like nothing else. She knew about my drug problem without me saying a word. She brought me a stepping stone with the serenity prayer and a cross with the same that I keep to this day, always near my work area. Anyway, she died shortly after I had manboy and I really credit her with keeping me sane in the late pregnancy and keeping me feeling loved and like I had family even when my family was far far away. She was such a dear woman and she really touched my soul. I want to bring girlie to the church so she can see her. I don't know if she's still alive, but if she's not, I know that she'll see her in that church. I just know. So mid-July, I will take my babies to that church and we will see if it still fits. If it doesn't, we will look again. With manboy being homeschooled, its important that he has a regular social group to belong to. If I find a church who practices my values and morals that has a homeschooling group - well hey! I'm good to go. If I find the right church but it doesn't have a homeschooling group he'll at least have a Sunday school class he can be in (I think....this depends on my mommy comfort level and we'd have to be there for a while!) and that would be good for him as well.
I know a lot of people have met the con artists, the criminals, and the insane at church and I'm not dumb enough to think it won't or can't happen with us at churches I knew at one point or ones that follow my values. I know it won't all be great, some won't even be close to good, but it will be an experience. Experiences are what make life worth it.

*tear*

yup, that's how I felt today. Like freakin crying like a 5 year old with a skinned knee.
I had my physical for SSI (for my back) and omg, that man was NOT gentle!

He was voted best doc in that town. Its a small town. Smaller than I thought apparently cause the dude was NOT great.

He was ummm...short.

Not in stature - although he was lacking there too. He was just like "Ok get to the point" and I'd love to, really, but you have to start at the beginning to get it. You can't start at the diagnosis, ask me how I know then expect the middle to be obvious here. You have to go through the time-line. Doc Shortstuff wasn't willing to hear it in order so he had to hear it out of order about 12 times before he could fill in the holes.

That's what he gets!

He tried to get me to walk certain ways. Heh, dude, I don't do that. My feet without my AFO braces are WORTHLESS! walk on the balls of my feet? No problem! I'll just have to tip over and kiss the floor real quick....
Walk on my heels? Sure! My ass wants to hug the floor though...
bend over and touch my toes? No. Not even going there - no headstands for me.
Bend to the side? Sure, but do you have a tissue? My eye seems to be dripping, maybe its a result the searing pain that's radiating down my spine. Oh, lay flat on my back for longer than 12seconds? You might want to just give me the box of tissues. Would you like to see what my muscles look like when they spasm? Cause you can see it right now! One time offer, Doc Shortstuff, better not pass this one up. No I can't stay still, I'm sorry, my back is currently driving this body.

So that's a recap of my appt. I was weighed and measured and bent and twisted and generally contorted to some evil man's plan. He also told me about 2302 times that he is NOT responsible for the outcome of my claim. Mkay. Whatever you say. No death threats from me, no worries Shortstuff.

So then I had to drive the 45mile drive home alone when all I really wanted to do was cry it out (still in a lot of pain at that point) and sleep. Being in pain is exhausting. Like seriously exhausting. In fact, I'm going to bed right now.

I bought salad stuff for tomorrow. Tomorrow I CAN HAZ SALAD!!!

I'm back!!

Who missed me?
I spent a week..ish...at my friend's house and now I'm home to take care of some business.
I was CERTAIN that I'd come back unable to put on any pants, just cause that's how I roll. Contrary to my beliefs, muh pants fit!
I got on my jeans rather quickly this morning just to discover that I didn't need to suck in my zip them and my mommy pooch wasn't in the way. Fantastic!
I do think I did somewhat well this week with not eating everything in sight or everything grain while feeding the kids whatever was easiest each night (as two exhausted mommies will do). I had all serious intentions of copying my friend's Elmo DVD collection with my step dad's dvd burinin capabilities but with the nature of the way I left I forgot! Boo! Don't let minds wander - it was nothing to hurt the friendship or even involved with the friendship!
Now how I ate was NOT the bestest - but I was on my womanly journey through the bowels of hell - aka my period - so some is to be forgiven. And yes, my mommy pooch was down DURING that there period.
Its a miracle I tell ya!
Either way, I expect swelling tomorrow. Chinese food tonight, beef and broc ahoy!
By the way, I sewed up a quick waist band on my friend's longies (aka wool pants for cloth diapered kids) and it made me realize how much I miss hand stitching. Sewing machines are something I never did well, however I may try to make peace with my machine again after the move. I do think I'll get back to quilting. Not with a pattern, I hate quilting to a pattern. I think I'll just make a rag quilt for myself. Not for my kids. FOR ME!! HAHAHAHA! Mine. We'll see how long that lasts. I'll just start buying some scrap lots and make the most random ass quilt in history. That's the kinda thing that pleases me greatly.