will be mostly MIA

For the next oh...9 days or so.
I'm going to stay with my friend and keep her company until the 9th :) On the 9th I have an appointment that's closer to her house than mine so I'll go the appointment while she watches my babies then I'll go back and tell her how it went and pack up my babies and go home.

Eventful, right? Either way, I have some work to do while I'm there. I'm REALLY not happy about this either. I donated a custom tutu slot to a charity auction. The girl who won was really nice for a while and kept in good communication until....a week ago. She was supposed to get measurements for me (mind you I've already bought $30 in tulle for this project because its higher end tulle). She said "Oh I'll get them in the morning" Then "Oh I'll get them after my son's program at school" then nothing for a full week. I'm annoyed. I really am. I'm hoping I can make this damn thing super fast and get it to her before the birthday party but umm....my hopes are NOT real high. Whatever, I'm gonna have to tell her that she's put me in a position where I have to rush this and I can't promise it will be there on time since I'm on freakin vacation this week and I have to do my best to get it done when the kids are napping and sleeping.
The thing is, most people get these damn things done in 2hrs. Not me. I want my tulle to be perfectly cut, all strips to be exactly the same length. I design them - I don't just have a set pattern I stick to. I look at my colors and I figure out how they will melt together the best. I have to see if I want the colors to be in big blocks, all mixed together, in small blocks, in a set pattern - there is a lot to figure out with the colors. I also have to design the bow - single, double, triple, boutique, simple - there are a bajillion options. I'm doing a doll tutu dress to match as well so I have to figure out a pattern of colors that will make the doll tutu coordinate the best. I am/was (now its a time crunch) planning on doing a tutu skirt for the doll as well and that part was just a special extra. I won't have time to work on a hairbow extra now. Crap!!! How frustrating. I just wish I had more time to make this as perfect as I want it. Its for a birthday party on the 12th and it needs to get there with time to spare to save everyone the anxiety! (myself included!!)
I'm not mad at the mama, things happen, people forget. I'm mad at the time frame!

subliminal guilt

Teh guiltz? I haz it.

After the last post, I had taken a valium. Why? Anxiety keeping me up, that's what its there for. However - valium gave me uncontrollable munchies. Like, I ate even when my mind was protesting! It was INSANE! My hands and feet were determined to get in that kitchen and force food in my mouth.

So yesterday all day I wasn't hungry - I figured the late night munchies were still being digested. I forced some brocolli in my mouth and around 7 I ate some tilapia. That was it. Oh I had a bit of cream cheese before bed - carbs before bed are supposed to help sleep and sleep is something I need. Today I'm having the same thing going on. I'm just not hungry. Its noon and I've had lemonade so far - crystal light at that. This can't be normal. I know that I need to fuel my body and such but um...wtf? Its hard to eat when you're just not feelin it.

I'm hoping that my confession (that involves colby jack slices and pepperoni) will help me get out of this no-eatin funk. Its very blah. I no like.

Sooo

I meant to post last night but the tiredz got the best of me. Still trying to catch up from Tuesday I guess!

So I went bra shopping today. Since I weaned girlie I've got down umm, several cup sizes. From a I to a DDD. No really, I did. When I was back in school right after I had her (Her DOB is 5/29/08 and this was 8/08) I had a guy say he couldn't see someone because "your big ole boobs are in the way - how do you even WALK with those things????" well...the right foot left foot method seems to work pretty well... but oh balance? That's sheer luck.
It was liberating to NOT be that far into the alphabet. 44DDD. Not a small bust mind you, but not an I cup. Not a 46I to be exact. One band size and about 38943 cup sizes in 2 years?? Really? Know why? Cause my butt would NOT diet while nursing. I had my spinal fusion when she was 8m so there went exercise. I started feeling like I could do some work outs even though the pain was horrendous and BAM, spinal stenosis surgery at 15m. That added even more pain and I had got my AFO leg braces shortly before that so that I could walk without falling flat on my face because the surgery and the nerve damage left me with horrible foot drop. So the AFOs rock and all, except that they get sweaty and leave bruises/blisters if I do exercise or hell, walk too far. Yes, goods and bads. Balances. I need new AFOs though because these just aren't cuttin it. The bottom is too short and instead of recasting and starting over, the Dr decided to just work with it. So he made the other one too short too - so now where they end causes really extreme pain in my feet (and I have soo little feeling in my feet so it has to be really bad for it to register) and my feet cramp up and my ankles sort of lock. Its a bad thing. I've been complaining about it since I got the first brace. I'm going to call and make an appointment for an adjustment and tell him that now that I'm more able to be active, these damn things just are NOT gonna work. I can't slide by with it! I need a new pair casts asap, these can be my emergency pair but I can NOT wear them on a regular basis. Bad thing is, they're $1500 to make (or to bill to the insurance i should say) so he's gonna have to take that loss or tell me how to go about getting my insurance to pay for another pair. They have to replace them eventually, right?

Oh so dietwise I've been truckin along. Some days have a higher intake than others, but I'm staying between 1800 and 1600 on most days, a few fall at 1500 or 1900 ranges but ya know, averages and all, I'm stayin in the 1600-1800 range. I'm diggin it. I don't set a limit, I just write it down if I eat it and then I add it as I go. There are still no goals in mind, except to lose weight and feel better. I hope I can make that happen. Try before you cry. That's what manboy says.

God save me tomorrow, my mom promised my son I'd make him a shake!!! He got one after dinner (we went to Steak and Shake) and he spilled it in the car. I quickly gave him mine (That I was already regretting even though it was peach and a small and I hadn't had but a few sips) but my mom started going on and on and on about how he doesn't LIKE peaches (which was news to him) and how he REALLY wanted the one he had. So to make HER feel better, I have to break in our new blender and make him a shake. A mint cookies and cream shake at that. I have to buy a pint of cookies and cream and a pint of mint chocolate chip. Shoot me now. Really. At least the girl is an icecream hound so she can make the rest of it disappear.

*yawn*

busy day ya'll
So busy in fact that I may fall asleep on the keyboard.
We were up by 6:30 and in Stillwater by 9..however I didn't make it to Whit's house until 9:30. Her street sign was missing so of course, I got lost. Its what I do - I'm consistently lost.
Anyway, her ultrasound went fantastic she's having a BOY! Her third boy :) I'm pretty thrilled. It would have been nice if her selfish husband could give her girl sperm once in a while, but NOOOO!
I used the appointment as an anatomy lesson. I taught manboy what kidneys are and how babies grow in the uterus and when its time to come out, the cervix thins and opens and the baby goes through that then through the vagina. He was FASCINATED! How the hell does a baby go through THAT little hole???? Magic my friend, the human body is magic.

Anyway, I did alright today eating wise. I had vanilla iced coffee for breakfast, 2 salmon fillets for lunch, 2 mc doubles minus buns and an iced coffee for dinner. The iced coffee was important - I was gonna fall asleep on the was to and from without it. I wrote it all down in my food journal like a good girl :)

Ok so I'll write more tomorrow - my brain is mush right now! The Amrix just kicked in and now I'm way too sleep and distractable to be any good to anyone or any computer!

eek!

Today has been...busy.
I didn't have time to eat breakfast until damn near 11am.
I didn't have time period for a lunch.
I had dinner at 7 - which is normal.
But at the end of the day I realized I'd consumed a whooping 700 calories - that's it. Not a good thing.
So I ate some cheese - fat, protien, and calories. Mucho helpful.
I got up to 1100. Still not good, I need to get close to at least 1800 a day really. With my basal metabolism being so high, I should probably be eating a lot more - ok probably is an understatement.

The thing is, if I write down what I eat then I automatically eat less. I've had doctors and nutritionist all but call me a liar when they've seen my food journals. How is it possible to eat ONLY that much and still be fat? Well because I only eat just that much when I'm writting down what I eat. You'd think that this knowledge would lead me to the skinny light at the end of the lardass tunnel, right? Nope. Cause I've had this habit in the past of not writing things when I had an off day and went down off the sundae deep end. I'd just be embarassed of how much I ate that one day and not write it. Well that gave me the liberty to not write a whole lot. And then I gain weight.

So new approach? I'm very laid back on numbers. There is no complex formula for alotting calories at specific intervals throughout the day. There are no limits that shame me into cheating. There is only one rule - write it down honestly. So yes, that means I'm measuring things - but not to control calories, no its to maintain honesty with myself.

Freakin sweet right? So I tried not to freak out about the need for calories or the feeling of fullness when I *should* be starving. Nope, I'm listening to this big ole body of mine. I'm going to do what it wants. As long as I write it down honestly, I can eat it. Well ok thats a lie - I can't eat grains or legumes and I'm limiting my sugar intake - but that's because my body feels better that way. Grains really make me tired, hungry, and make my skin look less clear. Legumes - well I'm just listening to mark's daily apple on that part. Sugar - duh, there are 2093239028 books on why sugar should be, at the very least, limited and avoided. This is a subject I have yet to cover with my kidlets - they might revolt and take over at the thought of no sugar.

Ok that's all I got - its late and I have to be up early to drive to my friend's house. Her ultrasound is tomorrow and I'm going - takin the kids too! We're BEYOND excited - total baby hounds in this house.

Exhaustion much?

Considering all the sitting on my ass I did today - I am SUPER tired! Its insane! I hosted a playdate today with my wonderful friends. All together we were 5 moms, 9 kids, 2 obnoxious grandparents, and 1 house. Oh and a bowl of strawberries and grapes that lost their lives to greedy little fingers and mouths.
It was fun though, way fun :) I love having people over. My hostess skills are umm lacking, but I try.
Anyway, it was a long and fun day. First person arrived at 11am, last left at umm 6:30ish pm? So yes - a long day. A long day worth repeating! The kids are exhausted - well, one's sleeping and one is exhausted.
I did so little - its almost embarrassing!
But my friends understand :)
Girlie never stopped cracking me up...and dragging me to the bathroom with her. She was in her high chair, my friend's 2.5 year old walked by and she said "Hold me baby!" like it was the most natural thing in the world to say. I must admit, she knows how to work a man.
I did really well on my diety stuff today. I didn't eat the fries that smelled so so sooo goood. I drank my iced coffee, had a few strawberries and grapes and ate a salad when I got hungry. Good moves for me. I actually ate a salad for breakfast too - what can I say, it was that kinda day. Baby spinach and balsamic vineagerette? Yes please.
I would write something witty, but honestly I'm all out. I'm tired and ready to clean up the living room and just lay around after that. There are toys all over, like a giant toy bomb exploded and covered my living room in little toy shrapnel. But...that's how playdates go. One must expect the causalty of the day to be the living room.

BOV and the Gap.

Well my 3 hole punch just came flying off the top of my desk, bound for my face. I just had to defend myself from office supplies. It was intense, I could have died. Ok...maybe not. Maybe that's a slight exaggeration.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand.

BOV is a term that annoys me. Belly over vagina. Ok, I'm technical - your belly will ALWAYS be over your vagina. The vagina is the internal canal in which a child passes through to enter the world, a penis penetrates, and fluids escape. Its a tube in your body. INSIDE. Therefor, anytime you have a slight bloat, you have BOV, hell without a bloat you have BOV. In your face.
So lets call it belly over vulva. Your belly isn't perfectly flat and aligning with your rock hard abs. I will always be the proud owner of some sort of belly. Be it a bit of loose skin or a pudge - I shall rock that gut.
Right now I'm experiencing some reduction in BOV. The boychild pointed it out today. He said "Hey mom, your chubbies are smaller!" why thank you son, you know you started that roll, right? Ok so maybe I could have prevented the whole 80lb weight gain...but I didn't. Anyway, there is a reduction in c-section flap fat. HOORAY!!!

And the gap. I'm talkin about the towel gap. If you're a chubster like I am, you know this gap. You get out of the shower, try to wrap a towel around you and...it doesn't go all the way around. CRAP! Now you have to figure out how to make it out of the bathroom without flashing your entire household. So you upgrade to bath sheets and all is well...until the 2nd child and then BAM - the gap reappears! SO anyway, I've been dealing with gap issues. Today when I got out of the shower, I positioned the towel as I always do to make sure I flashed the most appropriate flesh. Then it hits me. I'm gapless!!!! Now..this is on the big towel, not your standard bath towel, but still!!! That means the BOV really IS getting smaller! My belly was the big gap problem. So that's motivating. Maybe in a few months I can look my regular towels in the eye again. I've been avoiding those towels for a loooong time now - over 2 years. At some point in my pregnancy with the girlkid I got the gap in my big towels and cried and cried - then I realized I was 7m pregnant and measuring 6 weeks ahead so it probably wasn't THAT big of a deal, I was just hugely pregnant. Girl turned out to be 9lbs 2oz at 37 weeks soo....yeah. Anyway I haven't exactly lost anything since then. I've been playing hide and seek with 20lbs the whole time, but that's it. Usually I'm it - but sometimes I can hide from the 20lbs.
I'm hoping to ditch those 20lbs for good now..plus all its dang 20lb family - I hear its a big family. I'm not sayin, I'm just saying.

Simple.

I got a bill from my doctor's office. You know, one of those bills that they send you when your insurance doesn't cover the full amount of your visit? The ones they have no right sending you because the agreement is that you pay your copay and the rest is negotiated between the office and the insurance? That bill. Its a whopping $15. Meeeoooow that must be REALLY serious for them to not write it off, right? But...anyway.

On the bill it had the diagosis(s) that the doctor sent to the insurance. Lower back pain. WRONG. Its mid and upper back jackass, thanks for listening. Benign hypertention. Huh? Ok. And Simple Obesity. Simple? No sir, I'm quite complex, thank you :)

But on the other hand....Simple Obesity sounds promising. If it was that simple then it should be simple to get rid of it right? I'm just sayin, simple is a nice word.
I don't mind being simple in this one sense.



While I was out with my kids earlier I realized that I should have skipped the electrical training, skipped the medical assistant school, skipped the nursing pre reqs, skipped all that business management and accounting stuff and just gone to school to be a nutritionist. It would have saved me about $15000 and got me going a bit quicker. Wanna know why I didn't do it? I was chubby then - not fat, just soft. I didn't want to be the fat nutritionist! Then when I got down to average - not chubby, semi lean, good musuclar structure my then boyfriend grabbed my stomach and wiggled it and said something to the effect that I was pudgy and he liked it. No, I had a little loose skin from pregnancy and weight loss and I had a flap from my c-section. A LOT of c-section patients get a little pouchy flap that they just can't shake. Some are very fortunate and don't get it - bitches. Damn genetics. Anyway, I let that jackass screw with my self esteem. Then I stayed (!?!?!) for 3 more years and we planned our pregnancy, got a princess and he bounced. All the while I got heavier. Never again folks. Do not stay with a man who damages your self worth - even if he say it with a loving smile on his face - its not ok. That was the problem. He told me he loved me and called me his Queen and played with my belly fat. I was still losing weight up until he did that. Imagine - I let that comment and some ana internet ho's comment (she called my flap a spare tire - whatever, I'm so sorry I eat!) ruin my progress and MY self esteem.

Just sayin ladies - don't let your weight stop you from things that you have tons of interest in and don't let anyone's comments change who you are.

I also have someone that I lovingly(maybe) refer to as my Food Police. That would be my mother. "You're eating THAT???" yes mom, I am. "You think you should have that right now?" Why yes, I do - that's why I'm having it. "Em, I don't know if that's a good idea" ok ya know what - I quit. I'll just go to bed since I can't eat a freaking carrot!!!!
And yes, we have had that conversation over raw carrots before. Cause ya know, they're just soooo high in sugar, I should have an extremely over processed diet food instead. Damn you nature - damn you and your yummy veggies.

If you have food police repelant, please toss me a can.

Rituals

So I'm getting ready for bed and doing one of my best rituals. This is what I've done every night since, well always.
Go to the bathroom, pee about 1/2 a gallon
strip down and then realize I don't have my PJs
do this spy move sneak walk through the house to either my room or a pile of my folded laundry that hasn't put itself away yet
run back to bathroom - no spy moves, someone's already caught me by now
wash my face (for the last..I dunno over a year? I've oil cleansed, so someday when I'm 80, all my peers will be wrinkled and I'll still be smooth and flaunting myself - take that...in 55 years.)
brush teeth
fight with a sports bra - they're just NOT meant for fatties with tatas - but I make it happen! I WIN!!!
get PJs on
slather my lip with far too much chapstick
put on socks
pee again
pee again
pee again
pee again
did I mention I'm OCD about peeing before bed? I get phantom gotta-go pains too! its really odd.
pee again
and then get to the bed asap - if it takes longer than normal, if I make any stops...I gotta pee again.

Anyway the point here is that I have a ritual for bedtime. It might be sort of OCD in parts, but it works and hasn't caused real problems. In fact, it all makes me feel secure so I go to sleep quickly.

Rituals can be great. They can also be horrible.

I want my food journal to be a GREAT ritual. I want it to be a tool that I use always and that does serious good. I do NOT want it to be a bad ritual that leads to unhealthy habits and self destruction. Eating disorders can be really scary! Its REALLY easy to slip into those tendencies while dieting. It happens all the time. My goal is to keep the rituals healthy and helpful - avoid scary shit! So, write down what I eat - check. Eat in a way that I will consume so little calories in a day that an apple will break me - UNCHECK! Eat the way my body tells me to eat and let the numbers be what they are - check. Eat to look like a model - UNCHECK. Call my size 26 butt a fatty in a goofy/silly way - Check. Call myself a fatty in a tone of disgust or self hate? UNCHECK!!!

So yes, I will do things my way. I will call myself a fatty and giggle about it :) I will write down what I eat and be the neurotic chick with a notebook and pen at all times. Thank goodness for large purses. I will measure so much at home that I can get my portions exactly where I need them without a measuring utensil while out. One thing I need to remember this time - just cause I make great guesses does NOT mean I don't need to measure while home. Measuring cups and scales ARE my friend damnit.

My old bedtime ritual entailed eating something before starting my ritual. Maybe I'll try to blog instead now cause I have this spare time slot that's just dying to be filled.

Ever wanna say?

Ever wanna call out to your people? Ever want to say "Come here fellow fattie! Lettuce do this together!" and then laugh at your little pun of course.

That's what I'm feeling right now. Someone do this too - someone motivate me while I motivate you! Someone...pass the damn salad! And load that damn thing with veggies - not processed meatfoods, cheese and 1/2 a bottle of ranch! Hell, toss the damn ranch, you know you keep a bottle in your purse and that's just wrong.

Today I feel fat and empowered - and empowered fatty who's not thinkin about the next meal or snack. Mmhmm that's me.

I've been keeping a food journal. No goal, no limits, no calorie restrictions set. Just a notebook and a pen.

Why? Because frankly that's all I need to diet. I don't need limits. I just need to honestly write down what I'm eating. Now, to be honest I have to measure things and whatnot, but I'm not saying "Ok only eat 400 calories per meal, 2 snacks at 200 calories each, no sugar, only 20g carbs or less and nothing but water!" nope, not I.

I was already eating primally/paleo/traditionally. One change at a time, right? So I've been doing that for a few months. What that means is that I try to eat less processed foods- the closer to its natural state the better, no grains, avoid sugar, no legumes. That's all. Just stickin to what nature made basically. Now, I'm definitely not perfect, I just try. In fact, I had a very small bowl (about 1/2 cup) of ice cream when we went to a buffet (fat kid's paradise, dieter's hell hole!) for dinner today. I also had ome honey mustard dressing on my salad. But anyway, like I said, I try.

So I'm sticking with my primal eating - it makes my body feel better and makes me more clear/focused. Now I'm writting down what I eat as well. I'm coming up around 1600-1800 a day. Not setting a goal, just eating to satisfaction and writting it down. There is power in the pen damnit! If I could just stick with that in the long run I'd be all hot and stuff again - but forever!

I used to write down what I ate and I did great with it - lost a lot of weight, body was right, hair was right - face is ALWAYS right bebe lol and I felt good. Then I got with my ex and got lazy. yeah - no more of that! Then I had my daughter, then I had 2 spinal surgeries. So 3 surgeries in 2 years and 2 spinal blocks in that time - its been a crazy 2 years! I'm gonna get this weight down for my back. I have degenerative disc disease and I have 1 fusion so far, but 8 other discs that will need to be fused in the future. I'm hoping to get my weight under control before that time comes so that recovery is easier this time!

So anyway, I'm calling my fellow fat girls and boys! Come to me, come to me like I am cake!!! Join me on my mission. Lose some freaking weight!