cause I'm so stinkin stressed out!!! We've had house guests - not the ones I like either. The ones who go to sleep early, but they're in your living room so any LIVING you wanted to do has to stop at 8pm, approximately the same time you put your 2 year old to bed (no wait,she stays up later than that sometimes). Ya know? The kind that make it impossible to do the things you planned to do because they're in your space and over your shoulder and all "Are you sure about that?" with everything you do? That kind.
I finished my mama's quilt and I'm pretty proud of it. She loves it :) I'm going to make some menstrual pads for my cousiny thing soonand then..then I'll open up shop as a WAHM cause damnit I have a sewing machine! Ok massive lie - I will never be skilled enough, patient enough, or ready enough to sell my wares again. It was draining when I did it before, I can only imagine how sewn goods would be draining! Plus I kinda suck! lol
SOOO much is going on! I got casted for a new set of AFO leg braces because the current ones are killin me! I'm getting my next nerve block on the 12th, ya know, only 2m after it was due and the receptionist was a REAL bitch and didn't even appologize for not calling me like she was supposed to. Thanks a lot hag!
Shae's dad is once again failing on the child support front. Its been 3 pay periods that he's behind THIS time, I expect another 8m dry spell on support and then a call about how much he wants to be a dad or some bullshit. His gf is pregnant (not sayin its his..just that she's pregnant) and so I'm sure he's forgotten all about Shae by now. I'm hoping my disability comes through this time. PLEASE let it come through! I've done all that was required of me - all the tests and exams, I'm trying. I need it. We shall see!
Friday, July 2, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
to the best guy I know
I love you guy, you're the bestest. You're a great father and a great friend. Your wife should know how amazing you are. I wish we had more time to talk, but life and stress and pain all get in the way. You're the only one that really knows how I feel sometimes with my back and all. You're the best. Happy Father's day, guy.
I know, I slack.
Today is a really hard day for me.
Father's day reminds me how horrid my dad is.
How horrible my children's fathers are.
How much it hurts.
And what's worse? My brother is here and I'm being screamed at and mocked by my mother because he's a fuck up.
My dad hasn't answered a call from me since last October. Won't return my calls, won't call me. I don't know why. I don't know what I did to screw up so badly that he's done with me. I don't know. I'm the only one who came to take care of him when he drove into traffic because he was playing with his ipod. His oh-so-loved step children - one who lives with him at 28ish - none of them came to help out. They all lived a lot closer, no one came to help him. I came with my child and I wiped his ass. I took care of his every need. But I'm not good enough now that my ex left 2 years ago. No, that guy left ME and my dad left me too. My dad distanced himself greatly once the ex left and has continued with that since.
So my dad, he apparently thinks he should be involved with my children without ever speaking to me again. No way, no way in hell. Not happening. Fuck you.
My brother goes to see my dad several times a year - always to ask for money. I've never asked my dad for money - only one that hasn't asked for a freakin dime, not even as a small child. Somehow he's got the idea that all I want from him is money though, despite that fact. I've told my brother a million times, DO NOT BRING HIS SHIT TO MY HOUSE. If my dad asks you to bring my children something, don't do it. Don't bring birthday or christmas presents. Don't get involved.
For whatever fucked up reason, my brother dropped off a birthday present and presented it as one from him. I opened it at Shae's birthday party, read the card and was almost in tears from the anger. I said to get that piece of evil out of my house. I did. I really said that. I meant it. I truly believe my father is evil and anything he touches he has a motive for that is selfish and to hurt someone else.
When my brother came over today, I ask to clarify who the present was from. I reminded him that he is NOT to bring things from that man into this house. I will not allow him to screw with me again and fuck up every good thing I think I have going. He literally ruined my daughter's second birthday party for me. My mom just got through yelling at me over this and then mocking me and calling me a cry baby for being upset. She said "Oh so go to your room and crrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy about it. booohoooooo" FUCK THAT. Hell yeah I'm crying. I'm so pissed and hurt and torn about this. Apparently its ok to be a total asshole if you're the first born ass kisser who only comes around when he wants something, like money or to borrow the truck. Promise, he'll leave here with a check from my mom. She asked how he was on money. The dude is almost 30. He's able bodied with no dependents. He should be JUST FUCKING FINE on money. He's got a master's degree and is a PhD candidate. He shouldn't be having a money problem. Know why he does? Cause he buys stupid shit and eats out all the time and buys expensive things that he'll never use. For that? For that you can be late on your rent. For that you can go without groceries cause you're busy buying Macs. You deal with your own issues.
But no, you come here when you need shit, don't take responsibility for a damn thing you do, and be an arrogant asshole. That's fine. That's perfect. Don't expect a damn thing from me. Cause guess what buddy? Other people might be kissing your ass and bowing in your presence but I'm the one who will tell you when you're an asshole and when you're being ridiculous. You do not impress me with your useless education in film studies. You do not impress me with your attitude and your entitlement. You are nothing worth noting except in a negative light.
Father's day reminds me how horrid my dad is.
How horrible my children's fathers are.
How much it hurts.
And what's worse? My brother is here and I'm being screamed at and mocked by my mother because he's a fuck up.
My dad hasn't answered a call from me since last October. Won't return my calls, won't call me. I don't know why. I don't know what I did to screw up so badly that he's done with me. I don't know. I'm the only one who came to take care of him when he drove into traffic because he was playing with his ipod. His oh-so-loved step children - one who lives with him at 28ish - none of them came to help out. They all lived a lot closer, no one came to help him. I came with my child and I wiped his ass. I took care of his every need. But I'm not good enough now that my ex left 2 years ago. No, that guy left ME and my dad left me too. My dad distanced himself greatly once the ex left and has continued with that since.
So my dad, he apparently thinks he should be involved with my children without ever speaking to me again. No way, no way in hell. Not happening. Fuck you.
My brother goes to see my dad several times a year - always to ask for money. I've never asked my dad for money - only one that hasn't asked for a freakin dime, not even as a small child. Somehow he's got the idea that all I want from him is money though, despite that fact. I've told my brother a million times, DO NOT BRING HIS SHIT TO MY HOUSE. If my dad asks you to bring my children something, don't do it. Don't bring birthday or christmas presents. Don't get involved.
For whatever fucked up reason, my brother dropped off a birthday present and presented it as one from him. I opened it at Shae's birthday party, read the card and was almost in tears from the anger. I said to get that piece of evil out of my house. I did. I really said that. I meant it. I truly believe my father is evil and anything he touches he has a motive for that is selfish and to hurt someone else.
When my brother came over today, I ask to clarify who the present was from. I reminded him that he is NOT to bring things from that man into this house. I will not allow him to screw with me again and fuck up every good thing I think I have going. He literally ruined my daughter's second birthday party for me. My mom just got through yelling at me over this and then mocking me and calling me a cry baby for being upset. She said "Oh so go to your room and crrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy about it. booohoooooo" FUCK THAT. Hell yeah I'm crying. I'm so pissed and hurt and torn about this. Apparently its ok to be a total asshole if you're the first born ass kisser who only comes around when he wants something, like money or to borrow the truck. Promise, he'll leave here with a check from my mom. She asked how he was on money. The dude is almost 30. He's able bodied with no dependents. He should be JUST FUCKING FINE on money. He's got a master's degree and is a PhD candidate. He shouldn't be having a money problem. Know why he does? Cause he buys stupid shit and eats out all the time and buys expensive things that he'll never use. For that? For that you can be late on your rent. For that you can go without groceries cause you're busy buying Macs. You deal with your own issues.
But no, you come here when you need shit, don't take responsibility for a damn thing you do, and be an arrogant asshole. That's fine. That's perfect. Don't expect a damn thing from me. Cause guess what buddy? Other people might be kissing your ass and bowing in your presence but I'm the one who will tell you when you're an asshole and when you're being ridiculous. You do not impress me with your useless education in film studies. You do not impress me with your attitude and your entitlement. You are nothing worth noting except in a negative light.
Monday, June 14, 2010
oh man oh man
I have to see my doc this week. I need a refill on my pain meds and I'm NOT happy about seeing that dude. We don't get along. He's lacking of compassion and I go overboard with compassion. He thinks that my outer expressions should be very telling of my inner feelings. So if I come in and I'm not in the fetal position with cheeks stained with tears then I MUST not be in pain. Fortunately he has a PA who understands pain is subjective rather than objective. I'm not a whiner. Most people don't know how bad my pain can get because I won't say anything. I don't expect people to just know, I expect people to not notice lol
I don't want special treatment and I don't want pity because I'm in pain. I'm always going to be in pain with my back problems,I want a normal life. So no, I won't be grunting and whincing and I will try my ass off not to walk oddly (although I fail there because my body has a mind of its own) so that people don't cater to me,baby me, or try to make things easier for me. I'll let people know when I need help - but let me try first! I'm pretty good at letting people know when I need something. Which is why I'm on these pain meds - I need some help so I can function as well as I do.
My doc is also under the impression that while it took him 3-4m to lose 5lbs,that it should take me about 2 weeks to lose 150lbs. Ok maybe 3 weeks.
He's just...we're not a good match. I keep saying I'll find another doctor but I'm a bit afraid of going to someone new with all my problems and my list of medications. I just don't want that doubt or someone thinking I'm drug seeking. I KNOW my doc thinks it sometimes,but he SAYS it. He's been burned a lot apparently. I've told him that HIS bad judge of character doesn't make ME a bad person. He's been my doc for 5 years and I haven't screwed him over. I don't take my meds to feel good,I take them to get a step closer to normally functional. That's all. Unfortunately when he referred me to my pain specialist he ONLY set me up with one who does proceedures, not prescribes meds. I need one of each. The level my fusion at is tricky. Its a bit high. My pain doc does steriod injections for LOW back pain and my level is at T12/L1 so its mid back. The injections help SOME but they don't do anything for my higher back pain. I'm also WAAAY late to get my injections (bilateral nerve block actually) because the arm on his imaging machine is broken - got fixed and broke again. A LOT of us are NOT happy or healthy or functional right now because of that. So no nerve block, my neurologist is in clincs and not returning calls for another med (that I have some left of thank god) and I have to see my crazy primary doc for pain meds and he'll be all in a huff about why my pain doc isn't doing the prescribing. Not the bestest of weeks for the doc and me.
I don't want special treatment and I don't want pity because I'm in pain. I'm always going to be in pain with my back problems,I want a normal life. So no, I won't be grunting and whincing and I will try my ass off not to walk oddly (although I fail there because my body has a mind of its own) so that people don't cater to me,baby me, or try to make things easier for me. I'll let people know when I need help - but let me try first! I'm pretty good at letting people know when I need something. Which is why I'm on these pain meds - I need some help so I can function as well as I do.
My doc is also under the impression that while it took him 3-4m to lose 5lbs,that it should take me about 2 weeks to lose 150lbs. Ok maybe 3 weeks.
He's just...we're not a good match. I keep saying I'll find another doctor but I'm a bit afraid of going to someone new with all my problems and my list of medications. I just don't want that doubt or someone thinking I'm drug seeking. I KNOW my doc thinks it sometimes,but he SAYS it. He's been burned a lot apparently. I've told him that HIS bad judge of character doesn't make ME a bad person. He's been my doc for 5 years and I haven't screwed him over. I don't take my meds to feel good,I take them to get a step closer to normally functional. That's all. Unfortunately when he referred me to my pain specialist he ONLY set me up with one who does proceedures, not prescribes meds. I need one of each. The level my fusion at is tricky. Its a bit high. My pain doc does steriod injections for LOW back pain and my level is at T12/L1 so its mid back. The injections help SOME but they don't do anything for my higher back pain. I'm also WAAAY late to get my injections (bilateral nerve block actually) because the arm on his imaging machine is broken - got fixed and broke again. A LOT of us are NOT happy or healthy or functional right now because of that. So no nerve block, my neurologist is in clincs and not returning calls for another med (that I have some left of thank god) and I have to see my crazy primary doc for pain meds and he'll be all in a huff about why my pain doc isn't doing the prescribing. Not the bestest of weeks for the doc and me.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Fail
I experienced mommy fail today.
Today was the girl's 2nd birthday party. It was a fabulous time and I'm so glad everyone came. However, we did have a near tragedy. One friend's little girls got into our pool (in ground, not huge, fairly shallow with the deep end being 6ft and the shallow end being extended). One of the girls got in too deep. I'm not sure of the details - I was right there on the other side of the pool but I was watching other kids and talking and just not paying attention to that one girl. Apparently it got pretty scary and one party-goer jumped in and grabbed her up. It was a bad thing. Girl's mommy wasn't there - which was just a poor planning kinda deal, she was getting something and the girls weren't supposed to get in without her (family rule of mine that everyone follows gladly - no kids without parents in the pool, if parent's aren't there then said kids must wear life jackets AND must have other authorized adult present IN the pool. One of many pool rules). It was very brief and no harm was done except a few accelerated heartbeats and maybe some acute hypertension. Girliegirl is fine and just a bit shook up, as she should be. I hope that these little incidents are the things that prevent the big tragic incidents for everyone. Of course, within minutes of that girlie was fine. She was on my lap talking about it and then I hear "Hi mommy!" and MY girlie is in the pool!!! She got herself right in! Mommy that was in charge of my girlie (since with my disability I can't get in the pool without major assistance and so I just don't do it) was busy telling her boydude something and took her eyes off my girlie for just a second. My girlie made a beeline for the pool before anyone could see it happen!!! Now, she was fine - holding onto the edge and smiling ear to ear. I sure did feel like massive failure after the two incidents though. You'd think incident A would be enough to prevent incident B but...b is for but. It didn't happen. I know that I should have been in charge of my own child, I get that. There's my mommy fail. I also should have been keeping a general eye on all the kids in the pool and I didn't - mommy fail dos. I feel horrible about what happened and I'm just extremely thankful that girliegirl is ok and nothing serious happened because it could have. Pools are a fantastically fun thing for kids but that much water is deadly and dangerous -especially to new swimmers. We did have a pile of lifejackets down at the pool when this happened and we enforced more usage. I need to get my girlie her first life jacket this year! Unfortunately she won't need it too long so it won't be a super cute/expensive one. She'll get something plain and size appropriate. Of course it would be size appropriate if it was cute - but it would have been size appropriate with Disney princesses on it (peeeeeeenseeeeeeeeessssssssssss!!!!).
Ah that pool, a fun thing to have - nice to have the fun of a pool with the privacy of your yard. Expensive as all get out though. Last year my parents sunk $10,000 in the pool to give it a little facelift. The child safety gate system was something like $5,000 but its got a 10 year warranty, the chemicals we have to use in it are expensive, to just fill it up with water is $200 or so. Its a money suck. A fun, attractive, useful money suck. We'd save a hell of a lot with community waterpark/pool passes and their crappy concession stand food. At home though I can make us sugar free snow cones though so that's good. Yes, I own a snow cone maker. I bought it for myself during my last pregnancy. I love it too. So kiss that.
Oh so anyway, girliegirl's sister is being baptized tomorrow. I'll call her beautyqueen. Beautyqueen is 7 and she's a real sweetie since she stopped being allowed to watch Hannah Montana. Lemme tell ya, that beautyqueen had a bosy streak you could see from a mile away! Now she's way more constructive with it and just a nice kid to be around - she was before too, but my sensitive boy couldn't handle her in the Hannah days, now he thinks she's great! So beautyqueen is getting baptized tomorrow morning and when she came up to me with that sweet face and told me, the first thing out of my mouth was "Can I come watch?" I don't think her intent was to ask me, but she sure lit up when I asked :) She said "yeah!!! Its at 8:30!!" so then I had to clarify, I will come, girlie will come, manboy will be sleeping at home. He doesn't like to get up before noon - when you're that handsome you need your beauty sleep I guess. He's only 6. Teenage years will kill me here. I'm totally excited to watch her be baptized. I've missed some of their events because of my surgeries and I really try to make it a point to go to whatever I can so that they know that I care and to build that long lasting relationship. I'm hoping that we'll all still be this close when the kids are teens and that beautyqueen will know that I'm here to support her through that stuff too.
Anyway! This 8:30 church time is bumming me out. Don't church people sleep??? LOL I know they do, but ya see - since my surgeries sleep has become so much more important. I know I'll manage JUST fine with one day where I wake up earlier. I'll be just fine. However, it made me realize that I LIKED being part of a church and all that goes with it before we moved here. I really did. I looked but never found the right church for us that agreed with enough of my morals. See, I'm not a big religious person and I do struggle with the concept of God on a weekly basis. I don't know exactly where I stand but I DO know that when you find a church that preaches your values and morals that you will find a WHOLE lot of other people with those same values and morals. This is a good thing. Finding the right church fit however is a long hard road. Well, unless you're lucky. I do think that church is something we should explore as a family this summer. I might make the homeschool focus on various religions for the next couple of months and we can learn about them together. That part of homeschool I'm FINE with learning together - he's totally getting a tutor when we get to higher level math!
I think the thing that has put me off of finding a church more than anything is sleep. Sleep is so desperately important to my life now. I must find a service that starts at 10-11am. I don't want a Sunday night service. I have a good reason too. When I was pregnant with manboy I live in a Baptist women's shelter. We went to church Tuesday, Wednesday and twice on Sunday. I didn't mind it - I kind of liked it, it was good stuff. The only thing I DIDN'T like is that Sunday night's service was a condensed and interrupted version of Sunday morning. In the time I stayed there we went to 5-6 different churches and it was ALWAYS like that. Sunday night was when people felt like it was ok to go to church sick, interrupt the preaching mid-sermon, leave, listen to ipods, take their loud children (I've got kids - I know that "I GOTTA GO PEEEE PEEEEEEEEE!' is bound to be yelled at sometime, but these are the kids who talk non-stop, much like manboy when he's not entertained), and talk during the service. Sunday night was for the people who were doing it cause they HAD to.
So I think that next month, say mid-July, I will start looking at specific churches for my family to attend. There are some that I will go to simply because I went there when I was in the shelter and it will bring back memories of the first time manboy was ever in a church. Then girlie will have her first time in a church in that same church and I'll cry. Its a good cry though, I just hope I remember how to get there! I also had some great mentors from that church and I'd love to see if they're still there. Positive influences, they're a good thing. One other thing in that particular church. I was assigned a prayer warrior when I was late in my pregnancy with manboy. That woman was in her late 80's, sweet as honey and understanding like nothing else. She knew about my drug problem without me saying a word. She brought me a stepping stone with the serenity prayer and a cross with the same that I keep to this day, always near my work area. Anyway, she died shortly after I had manboy and I really credit her with keeping me sane in the late pregnancy and keeping me feeling loved and like I had family even when my family was far far away. She was such a dear woman and she really touched my soul. I want to bring girlie to the church so she can see her. I don't know if she's still alive, but if she's not, I know that she'll see her in that church. I just know. So mid-July, I will take my babies to that church and we will see if it still fits. If it doesn't, we will look again. With manboy being homeschooled, its important that he has a regular social group to belong to. If I find a church who practices my values and morals that has a homeschooling group - well hey! I'm good to go. If I find the right church but it doesn't have a homeschooling group he'll at least have a Sunday school class he can be in (I think....this depends on my mommy comfort level and we'd have to be there for a while!) and that would be good for him as well.
I know a lot of people have met the con artists, the criminals, and the insane at church and I'm not dumb enough to think it won't or can't happen with us at churches I knew at one point or ones that follow my values. I know it won't all be great, some won't even be close to good, but it will be an experience. Experiences are what make life worth it.
Today was the girl's 2nd birthday party. It was a fabulous time and I'm so glad everyone came. However, we did have a near tragedy. One friend's little girls got into our pool (in ground, not huge, fairly shallow with the deep end being 6ft and the shallow end being extended). One of the girls got in too deep. I'm not sure of the details - I was right there on the other side of the pool but I was watching other kids and talking and just not paying attention to that one girl. Apparently it got pretty scary and one party-goer jumped in and grabbed her up. It was a bad thing. Girl's mommy wasn't there - which was just a poor planning kinda deal, she was getting something and the girls weren't supposed to get in without her (family rule of mine that everyone follows gladly - no kids without parents in the pool, if parent's aren't there then said kids must wear life jackets AND must have other authorized adult present IN the pool. One of many pool rules). It was very brief and no harm was done except a few accelerated heartbeats and maybe some acute hypertension. Girliegirl is fine and just a bit shook up, as she should be. I hope that these little incidents are the things that prevent the big tragic incidents for everyone. Of course, within minutes of that girlie was fine. She was on my lap talking about it and then I hear "Hi mommy!" and MY girlie is in the pool!!! She got herself right in! Mommy that was in charge of my girlie (since with my disability I can't get in the pool without major assistance and so I just don't do it) was busy telling her boydude something and took her eyes off my girlie for just a second. My girlie made a beeline for the pool before anyone could see it happen!!! Now, she was fine - holding onto the edge and smiling ear to ear. I sure did feel like massive failure after the two incidents though. You'd think incident A would be enough to prevent incident B but...b is for but. It didn't happen. I know that I should have been in charge of my own child, I get that. There's my mommy fail. I also should have been keeping a general eye on all the kids in the pool and I didn't - mommy fail dos. I feel horrible about what happened and I'm just extremely thankful that girliegirl is ok and nothing serious happened because it could have. Pools are a fantastically fun thing for kids but that much water is deadly and dangerous -especially to new swimmers. We did have a pile of lifejackets down at the pool when this happened and we enforced more usage. I need to get my girlie her first life jacket this year! Unfortunately she won't need it too long so it won't be a super cute/expensive one. She'll get something plain and size appropriate. Of course it would be size appropriate if it was cute - but it would have been size appropriate with Disney princesses on it (peeeeeeenseeeeeeeeessssssssssss!!!!).
Ah that pool, a fun thing to have - nice to have the fun of a pool with the privacy of your yard. Expensive as all get out though. Last year my parents sunk $10,000 in the pool to give it a little facelift. The child safety gate system was something like $5,000 but its got a 10 year warranty, the chemicals we have to use in it are expensive, to just fill it up with water is $200 or so. Its a money suck. A fun, attractive, useful money suck. We'd save a hell of a lot with community waterpark/pool passes and their crappy concession stand food. At home though I can make us sugar free snow cones though so that's good. Yes, I own a snow cone maker. I bought it for myself during my last pregnancy. I love it too. So kiss that.
Oh so anyway, girliegirl's sister is being baptized tomorrow. I'll call her beautyqueen. Beautyqueen is 7 and she's a real sweetie since she stopped being allowed to watch Hannah Montana. Lemme tell ya, that beautyqueen had a bosy streak you could see from a mile away! Now she's way more constructive with it and just a nice kid to be around - she was before too, but my sensitive boy couldn't handle her in the Hannah days, now he thinks she's great! So beautyqueen is getting baptized tomorrow morning and when she came up to me with that sweet face and told me, the first thing out of my mouth was "Can I come watch?" I don't think her intent was to ask me, but she sure lit up when I asked :) She said "yeah!!! Its at 8:30!!" so then I had to clarify, I will come, girlie will come, manboy will be sleeping at home. He doesn't like to get up before noon - when you're that handsome you need your beauty sleep I guess. He's only 6. Teenage years will kill me here. I'm totally excited to watch her be baptized. I've missed some of their events because of my surgeries and I really try to make it a point to go to whatever I can so that they know that I care and to build that long lasting relationship. I'm hoping that we'll all still be this close when the kids are teens and that beautyqueen will know that I'm here to support her through that stuff too.
Anyway! This 8:30 church time is bumming me out. Don't church people sleep??? LOL I know they do, but ya see - since my surgeries sleep has become so much more important. I know I'll manage JUST fine with one day where I wake up earlier. I'll be just fine. However, it made me realize that I LIKED being part of a church and all that goes with it before we moved here. I really did. I looked but never found the right church for us that agreed with enough of my morals. See, I'm not a big religious person and I do struggle with the concept of God on a weekly basis. I don't know exactly where I stand but I DO know that when you find a church that preaches your values and morals that you will find a WHOLE lot of other people with those same values and morals. This is a good thing. Finding the right church fit however is a long hard road. Well, unless you're lucky. I do think that church is something we should explore as a family this summer. I might make the homeschool focus on various religions for the next couple of months and we can learn about them together. That part of homeschool I'm FINE with learning together - he's totally getting a tutor when we get to higher level math!
I think the thing that has put me off of finding a church more than anything is sleep. Sleep is so desperately important to my life now. I must find a service that starts at 10-11am. I don't want a Sunday night service. I have a good reason too. When I was pregnant with manboy I live in a Baptist women's shelter. We went to church Tuesday, Wednesday and twice on Sunday. I didn't mind it - I kind of liked it, it was good stuff. The only thing I DIDN'T like is that Sunday night's service was a condensed and interrupted version of Sunday morning. In the time I stayed there we went to 5-6 different churches and it was ALWAYS like that. Sunday night was when people felt like it was ok to go to church sick, interrupt the preaching mid-sermon, leave, listen to ipods, take their loud children (I've got kids - I know that "I GOTTA GO PEEEE PEEEEEEEEE!' is bound to be yelled at sometime, but these are the kids who talk non-stop, much like manboy when he's not entertained), and talk during the service. Sunday night was for the people who were doing it cause they HAD to.
So I think that next month, say mid-July, I will start looking at specific churches for my family to attend. There are some that I will go to simply because I went there when I was in the shelter and it will bring back memories of the first time manboy was ever in a church. Then girlie will have her first time in a church in that same church and I'll cry. Its a good cry though, I just hope I remember how to get there! I also had some great mentors from that church and I'd love to see if they're still there. Positive influences, they're a good thing. One other thing in that particular church. I was assigned a prayer warrior when I was late in my pregnancy with manboy. That woman was in her late 80's, sweet as honey and understanding like nothing else. She knew about my drug problem without me saying a word. She brought me a stepping stone with the serenity prayer and a cross with the same that I keep to this day, always near my work area. Anyway, she died shortly after I had manboy and I really credit her with keeping me sane in the late pregnancy and keeping me feeling loved and like I had family even when my family was far far away. She was such a dear woman and she really touched my soul. I want to bring girlie to the church so she can see her. I don't know if she's still alive, but if she's not, I know that she'll see her in that church. I just know. So mid-July, I will take my babies to that church and we will see if it still fits. If it doesn't, we will look again. With manboy being homeschooled, its important that he has a regular social group to belong to. If I find a church who practices my values and morals that has a homeschooling group - well hey! I'm good to go. If I find the right church but it doesn't have a homeschooling group he'll at least have a Sunday school class he can be in (I think....this depends on my mommy comfort level and we'd have to be there for a while!) and that would be good for him as well.
I know a lot of people have met the con artists, the criminals, and the insane at church and I'm not dumb enough to think it won't or can't happen with us at churches I knew at one point or ones that follow my values. I know it won't all be great, some won't even be close to good, but it will be an experience. Experiences are what make life worth it.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
*tear*
yup, that's how I felt today. Like freakin crying like a 5 year old with a skinned knee.
I had my physical for SSI (for my back) and omg, that man was NOT gentle!
He was voted best doc in that town. Its a small town. Smaller than I thought apparently cause the dude was NOT great.
He was ummm...short.
Not in stature - although he was lacking there too. He was just like "Ok get to the point" and I'd love to, really, but you have to start at the beginning to get it. You can't start at the diagnosis, ask me how I know then expect the middle to be obvious here. You have to go through the time-line. Doc Shortstuff wasn't willing to hear it in order so he had to hear it out of order about 12 times before he could fill in the holes.
That's what he gets!
He tried to get me to walk certain ways. Heh, dude, I don't do that. My feet without my AFO braces are WORTHLESS! walk on the balls of my feet? No problem! I'll just have to tip over and kiss the floor real quick....
Walk on my heels? Sure! My ass wants to hug the floor though...
bend over and touch my toes? No. Not even going there - no headstands for me.
Bend to the side? Sure, but do you have a tissue? My eye seems to be dripping, maybe its a result the searing pain that's radiating down my spine. Oh, lay flat on my back for longer than 12seconds? You might want to just give me the box of tissues. Would you like to see what my muscles look like when they spasm? Cause you can see it right now! One time offer, Doc Shortstuff, better not pass this one up. No I can't stay still, I'm sorry, my back is currently driving this body.
So that's a recap of my appt. I was weighed and measured and bent and twisted and generally contorted to some evil man's plan. He also told me about 2302 times that he is NOT responsible for the outcome of my claim. Mkay. Whatever you say. No death threats from me, no worries Shortstuff.
So then I had to drive the 45mile drive home alone when all I really wanted to do was cry it out (still in a lot of pain at that point) and sleep. Being in pain is exhausting. Like seriously exhausting. In fact, I'm going to bed right now.
I bought salad stuff for tomorrow. Tomorrow I CAN HAZ SALAD!!!
I had my physical for SSI (for my back) and omg, that man was NOT gentle!
He was voted best doc in that town. Its a small town. Smaller than I thought apparently cause the dude was NOT great.
He was ummm...short.
Not in stature - although he was lacking there too. He was just like "Ok get to the point" and I'd love to, really, but you have to start at the beginning to get it. You can't start at the diagnosis, ask me how I know then expect the middle to be obvious here. You have to go through the time-line. Doc Shortstuff wasn't willing to hear it in order so he had to hear it out of order about 12 times before he could fill in the holes.
That's what he gets!
He tried to get me to walk certain ways. Heh, dude, I don't do that. My feet without my AFO braces are WORTHLESS! walk on the balls of my feet? No problem! I'll just have to tip over and kiss the floor real quick....
Walk on my heels? Sure! My ass wants to hug the floor though...
bend over and touch my toes? No. Not even going there - no headstands for me.
Bend to the side? Sure, but do you have a tissue? My eye seems to be dripping, maybe its a result the searing pain that's radiating down my spine. Oh, lay flat on my back for longer than 12seconds? You might want to just give me the box of tissues. Would you like to see what my muscles look like when they spasm? Cause you can see it right now! One time offer, Doc Shortstuff, better not pass this one up. No I can't stay still, I'm sorry, my back is currently driving this body.
So that's a recap of my appt. I was weighed and measured and bent and twisted and generally contorted to some evil man's plan. He also told me about 2302 times that he is NOT responsible for the outcome of my claim. Mkay. Whatever you say. No death threats from me, no worries Shortstuff.
So then I had to drive the 45mile drive home alone when all I really wanted to do was cry it out (still in a lot of pain at that point) and sleep. Being in pain is exhausting. Like seriously exhausting. In fact, I'm going to bed right now.
I bought salad stuff for tomorrow. Tomorrow I CAN HAZ SALAD!!!
Monday, June 7, 2010
I'm back!!
Who missed me?
I spent a week..ish...at my friend's house and now I'm home to take care of some business.
I was CERTAIN that I'd come back unable to put on any pants, just cause that's how I roll. Contrary to my beliefs, muh pants fit!
I got on my jeans rather quickly this morning just to discover that I didn't need to suck in my zip them and my mommy pooch wasn't in the way. Fantastic!
I do think I did somewhat well this week with not eating everything in sight or everything grain while feeding the kids whatever was easiest each night (as two exhausted mommies will do). I had all serious intentions of copying my friend's Elmo DVD collection with my step dad's dvd burinin capabilities but with the nature of the way I left I forgot! Boo! Don't let minds wander - it was nothing to hurt the friendship or even involved with the friendship!
Now how I ate was NOT the bestest - but I was on my womanly journey through the bowels of hell - aka my period - so some is to be forgiven. And yes, my mommy pooch was down DURING that there period.
Its a miracle I tell ya!
Either way, I expect swelling tomorrow. Chinese food tonight, beef and broc ahoy!
By the way, I sewed up a quick waist band on my friend's longies (aka wool pants for cloth diapered kids) and it made me realize how much I miss hand stitching. Sewing machines are something I never did well, however I may try to make peace with my machine again after the move. I do think I'll get back to quilting. Not with a pattern, I hate quilting to a pattern. I think I'll just make a rag quilt for myself. Not for my kids. FOR ME!! HAHAHAHA! Mine. We'll see how long that lasts. I'll just start buying some scrap lots and make the most random ass quilt in history. That's the kinda thing that pleases me greatly.
I spent a week..ish...at my friend's house and now I'm home to take care of some business.
I was CERTAIN that I'd come back unable to put on any pants, just cause that's how I roll. Contrary to my beliefs, muh pants fit!
I got on my jeans rather quickly this morning just to discover that I didn't need to suck in my zip them and my mommy pooch wasn't in the way. Fantastic!
I do think I did somewhat well this week with not eating everything in sight or everything grain while feeding the kids whatever was easiest each night (as two exhausted mommies will do). I had all serious intentions of copying my friend's Elmo DVD collection with my step dad's dvd burinin capabilities but with the nature of the way I left I forgot! Boo! Don't let minds wander - it was nothing to hurt the friendship or even involved with the friendship!
Now how I ate was NOT the bestest - but I was on my womanly journey through the bowels of hell - aka my period - so some is to be forgiven. And yes, my mommy pooch was down DURING that there period.
Its a miracle I tell ya!
Either way, I expect swelling tomorrow. Chinese food tonight, beef and broc ahoy!
By the way, I sewed up a quick waist band on my friend's longies (aka wool pants for cloth diapered kids) and it made me realize how much I miss hand stitching. Sewing machines are something I never did well, however I may try to make peace with my machine again after the move. I do think I'll get back to quilting. Not with a pattern, I hate quilting to a pattern. I think I'll just make a rag quilt for myself. Not for my kids. FOR ME!! HAHAHAHA! Mine. We'll see how long that lasts. I'll just start buying some scrap lots and make the most random ass quilt in history. That's the kinda thing that pleases me greatly.
Monday, May 31, 2010
will be mostly MIA
For the next oh...9 days or so.
I'm going to stay with my friend and keep her company until the 9th :) On the 9th I have an appointment that's closer to her house than mine so I'll go the appointment while she watches my babies then I'll go back and tell her how it went and pack up my babies and go home.
Eventful, right? Either way, I have some work to do while I'm there. I'm REALLY not happy about this either. I donated a custom tutu slot to a charity auction. The girl who won was really nice for a while and kept in good communication until....a week ago. She was supposed to get measurements for me (mind you I've already bought $30 in tulle for this project because its higher end tulle). She said "Oh I'll get them in the morning" Then "Oh I'll get them after my son's program at school" then nothing for a full week. I'm annoyed. I really am. I'm hoping I can make this damn thing super fast and get it to her before the birthday party but umm....my hopes are NOT real high. Whatever, I'm gonna have to tell her that she's put me in a position where I have to rush this and I can't promise it will be there on time since I'm on freakin vacation this week and I have to do my best to get it done when the kids are napping and sleeping.
The thing is, most people get these damn things done in 2hrs. Not me. I want my tulle to be perfectly cut, all strips to be exactly the same length. I design them - I don't just have a set pattern I stick to. I look at my colors and I figure out how they will melt together the best. I have to see if I want the colors to be in big blocks, all mixed together, in small blocks, in a set pattern - there is a lot to figure out with the colors. I also have to design the bow - single, double, triple, boutique, simple - there are a bajillion options. I'm doing a doll tutu dress to match as well so I have to figure out a pattern of colors that will make the doll tutu coordinate the best. I am/was (now its a time crunch) planning on doing a tutu skirt for the doll as well and that part was just a special extra. I won't have time to work on a hairbow extra now. Crap!!! How frustrating. I just wish I had more time to make this as perfect as I want it. Its for a birthday party on the 12th and it needs to get there with time to spare to save everyone the anxiety! (myself included!!)
I'm not mad at the mama, things happen, people forget. I'm mad at the time frame!
I'm going to stay with my friend and keep her company until the 9th :) On the 9th I have an appointment that's closer to her house than mine so I'll go the appointment while she watches my babies then I'll go back and tell her how it went and pack up my babies and go home.
Eventful, right? Either way, I have some work to do while I'm there. I'm REALLY not happy about this either. I donated a custom tutu slot to a charity auction. The girl who won was really nice for a while and kept in good communication until....a week ago. She was supposed to get measurements for me (mind you I've already bought $30 in tulle for this project because its higher end tulle). She said "Oh I'll get them in the morning" Then "Oh I'll get them after my son's program at school" then nothing for a full week. I'm annoyed. I really am. I'm hoping I can make this damn thing super fast and get it to her before the birthday party but umm....my hopes are NOT real high. Whatever, I'm gonna have to tell her that she's put me in a position where I have to rush this and I can't promise it will be there on time since I'm on freakin vacation this week and I have to do my best to get it done when the kids are napping and sleeping.
The thing is, most people get these damn things done in 2hrs. Not me. I want my tulle to be perfectly cut, all strips to be exactly the same length. I design them - I don't just have a set pattern I stick to. I look at my colors and I figure out how they will melt together the best. I have to see if I want the colors to be in big blocks, all mixed together, in small blocks, in a set pattern - there is a lot to figure out with the colors. I also have to design the bow - single, double, triple, boutique, simple - there are a bajillion options. I'm doing a doll tutu dress to match as well so I have to figure out a pattern of colors that will make the doll tutu coordinate the best. I am/was (now its a time crunch) planning on doing a tutu skirt for the doll as well and that part was just a special extra. I won't have time to work on a hairbow extra now. Crap!!! How frustrating. I just wish I had more time to make this as perfect as I want it. Its for a birthday party on the 12th and it needs to get there with time to spare to save everyone the anxiety! (myself included!!)
I'm not mad at the mama, things happen, people forget. I'm mad at the time frame!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
subliminal guilt
Teh guiltz? I haz it.
After the last post, I had taken a valium. Why? Anxiety keeping me up, that's what its there for. However - valium gave me uncontrollable munchies. Like, I ate even when my mind was protesting! It was INSANE! My hands and feet were determined to get in that kitchen and force food in my mouth.
So yesterday all day I wasn't hungry - I figured the late night munchies were still being digested. I forced some brocolli in my mouth and around 7 I ate some tilapia. That was it. Oh I had a bit of cream cheese before bed - carbs before bed are supposed to help sleep and sleep is something I need. Today I'm having the same thing going on. I'm just not hungry. Its noon and I've had lemonade so far - crystal light at that. This can't be normal. I know that I need to fuel my body and such but um...wtf? Its hard to eat when you're just not feelin it.
I'm hoping that my confession (that involves colby jack slices and pepperoni) will help me get out of this no-eatin funk. Its very blah. I no like.
After the last post, I had taken a valium. Why? Anxiety keeping me up, that's what its there for. However - valium gave me uncontrollable munchies. Like, I ate even when my mind was protesting! It was INSANE! My hands and feet were determined to get in that kitchen and force food in my mouth.
So yesterday all day I wasn't hungry - I figured the late night munchies were still being digested. I forced some brocolli in my mouth and around 7 I ate some tilapia. That was it. Oh I had a bit of cream cheese before bed - carbs before bed are supposed to help sleep and sleep is something I need. Today I'm having the same thing going on. I'm just not hungry. Its noon and I've had lemonade so far - crystal light at that. This can't be normal. I know that I need to fuel my body and such but um...wtf? Its hard to eat when you're just not feelin it.
I'm hoping that my confession (that involves colby jack slices and pepperoni) will help me get out of this no-eatin funk. Its very blah. I no like.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Sooo
I meant to post last night but the tiredz got the best of me. Still trying to catch up from Tuesday I guess!
So I went bra shopping today. Since I weaned girlie I've got down umm, several cup sizes. From a I to a DDD. No really, I did. When I was back in school right after I had her (Her DOB is 5/29/08 and this was 8/08) I had a guy say he couldn't see someone because "your big ole boobs are in the way - how do you even WALK with those things????" well...the right foot left foot method seems to work pretty well... but oh balance? That's sheer luck.
It was liberating to NOT be that far into the alphabet. 44DDD. Not a small bust mind you, but not an I cup. Not a 46I to be exact. One band size and about 38943 cup sizes in 2 years?? Really? Know why? Cause my butt would NOT diet while nursing. I had my spinal fusion when she was 8m so there went exercise. I started feeling like I could do some work outs even though the pain was horrendous and BAM, spinal stenosis surgery at 15m. That added even more pain and I had got my AFO leg braces shortly before that so that I could walk without falling flat on my face because the surgery and the nerve damage left me with horrible foot drop. So the AFOs rock and all, except that they get sweaty and leave bruises/blisters if I do exercise or hell, walk too far. Yes, goods and bads. Balances. I need new AFOs though because these just aren't cuttin it. The bottom is too short and instead of recasting and starting over, the Dr decided to just work with it. So he made the other one too short too - so now where they end causes really extreme pain in my feet (and I have soo little feeling in my feet so it has to be really bad for it to register) and my feet cramp up and my ankles sort of lock. Its a bad thing. I've been complaining about it since I got the first brace. I'm going to call and make an appointment for an adjustment and tell him that now that I'm more able to be active, these damn things just are NOT gonna work. I can't slide by with it! I need a new pair casts asap, these can be my emergency pair but I can NOT wear them on a regular basis. Bad thing is, they're $1500 to make (or to bill to the insurance i should say) so he's gonna have to take that loss or tell me how to go about getting my insurance to pay for another pair. They have to replace them eventually, right?
Oh so dietwise I've been truckin along. Some days have a higher intake than others, but I'm staying between 1800 and 1600 on most days, a few fall at 1500 or 1900 ranges but ya know, averages and all, I'm stayin in the 1600-1800 range. I'm diggin it. I don't set a limit, I just write it down if I eat it and then I add it as I go. There are still no goals in mind, except to lose weight and feel better. I hope I can make that happen. Try before you cry. That's what manboy says.
God save me tomorrow, my mom promised my son I'd make him a shake!!! He got one after dinner (we went to Steak and Shake) and he spilled it in the car. I quickly gave him mine (That I was already regretting even though it was peach and a small and I hadn't had but a few sips) but my mom started going on and on and on about how he doesn't LIKE peaches (which was news to him) and how he REALLY wanted the one he had. So to make HER feel better, I have to break in our new blender and make him a shake. A mint cookies and cream shake at that. I have to buy a pint of cookies and cream and a pint of mint chocolate chip. Shoot me now. Really. At least the girl is an icecream hound so she can make the rest of it disappear.
So I went bra shopping today. Since I weaned girlie I've got down umm, several cup sizes. From a I to a DDD. No really, I did. When I was back in school right after I had her (Her DOB is 5/29/08 and this was 8/08) I had a guy say he couldn't see someone because "your big ole boobs are in the way - how do you even WALK with those things????" well...the right foot left foot method seems to work pretty well... but oh balance? That's sheer luck.
It was liberating to NOT be that far into the alphabet. 44DDD. Not a small bust mind you, but not an I cup. Not a 46I to be exact. One band size and about 38943 cup sizes in 2 years?? Really? Know why? Cause my butt would NOT diet while nursing. I had my spinal fusion when she was 8m so there went exercise. I started feeling like I could do some work outs even though the pain was horrendous and BAM, spinal stenosis surgery at 15m. That added even more pain and I had got my AFO leg braces shortly before that so that I could walk without falling flat on my face because the surgery and the nerve damage left me with horrible foot drop. So the AFOs rock and all, except that they get sweaty and leave bruises/blisters if I do exercise or hell, walk too far. Yes, goods and bads. Balances. I need new AFOs though because these just aren't cuttin it. The bottom is too short and instead of recasting and starting over, the Dr decided to just work with it. So he made the other one too short too - so now where they end causes really extreme pain in my feet (and I have soo little feeling in my feet so it has to be really bad for it to register) and my feet cramp up and my ankles sort of lock. Its a bad thing. I've been complaining about it since I got the first brace. I'm going to call and make an appointment for an adjustment and tell him that now that I'm more able to be active, these damn things just are NOT gonna work. I can't slide by with it! I need a new pair casts asap, these can be my emergency pair but I can NOT wear them on a regular basis. Bad thing is, they're $1500 to make (or to bill to the insurance i should say) so he's gonna have to take that loss or tell me how to go about getting my insurance to pay for another pair. They have to replace them eventually, right?
Oh so dietwise I've been truckin along. Some days have a higher intake than others, but I'm staying between 1800 and 1600 on most days, a few fall at 1500 or 1900 ranges but ya know, averages and all, I'm stayin in the 1600-1800 range. I'm diggin it. I don't set a limit, I just write it down if I eat it and then I add it as I go. There are still no goals in mind, except to lose weight and feel better. I hope I can make that happen. Try before you cry. That's what manboy says.
God save me tomorrow, my mom promised my son I'd make him a shake!!! He got one after dinner (we went to Steak and Shake) and he spilled it in the car. I quickly gave him mine (That I was already regretting even though it was peach and a small and I hadn't had but a few sips) but my mom started going on and on and on about how he doesn't LIKE peaches (which was news to him) and how he REALLY wanted the one he had. So to make HER feel better, I have to break in our new blender and make him a shake. A mint cookies and cream shake at that. I have to buy a pint of cookies and cream and a pint of mint chocolate chip. Shoot me now. Really. At least the girl is an icecream hound so she can make the rest of it disappear.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
*yawn*
busy day ya'll
So busy in fact that I may fall asleep on the keyboard.
We were up by 6:30 and in Stillwater by 9..however I didn't make it to Whit's house until 9:30. Her street sign was missing so of course, I got lost. Its what I do - I'm consistently lost.
Anyway, her ultrasound went fantastic she's having a BOY! Her third boy :) I'm pretty thrilled. It would have been nice if her selfish husband could give her girl sperm once in a while, but NOOOO!
I used the appointment as an anatomy lesson. I taught manboy what kidneys are and how babies grow in the uterus and when its time to come out, the cervix thins and opens and the baby goes through that then through the vagina. He was FASCINATED! How the hell does a baby go through THAT little hole???? Magic my friend, the human body is magic.
Anyway, I did alright today eating wise. I had vanilla iced coffee for breakfast, 2 salmon fillets for lunch, 2 mc doubles minus buns and an iced coffee for dinner. The iced coffee was important - I was gonna fall asleep on the was to and from without it. I wrote it all down in my food journal like a good girl :)
Ok so I'll write more tomorrow - my brain is mush right now! The Amrix just kicked in and now I'm way too sleep and distractable to be any good to anyone or any computer!
So busy in fact that I may fall asleep on the keyboard.
We were up by 6:30 and in Stillwater by 9..however I didn't make it to Whit's house until 9:30. Her street sign was missing so of course, I got lost. Its what I do - I'm consistently lost.
Anyway, her ultrasound went fantastic she's having a BOY! Her third boy :) I'm pretty thrilled. It would have been nice if her selfish husband could give her girl sperm once in a while, but NOOOO!
I used the appointment as an anatomy lesson. I taught manboy what kidneys are and how babies grow in the uterus and when its time to come out, the cervix thins and opens and the baby goes through that then through the vagina. He was FASCINATED! How the hell does a baby go through THAT little hole???? Magic my friend, the human body is magic.
Anyway, I did alright today eating wise. I had vanilla iced coffee for breakfast, 2 salmon fillets for lunch, 2 mc doubles minus buns and an iced coffee for dinner. The iced coffee was important - I was gonna fall asleep on the was to and from without it. I wrote it all down in my food journal like a good girl :)
Ok so I'll write more tomorrow - my brain is mush right now! The Amrix just kicked in and now I'm way too sleep and distractable to be any good to anyone or any computer!
Monday, May 24, 2010
eek!
Today has been...busy.
I didn't have time to eat breakfast until damn near 11am.
I didn't have time period for a lunch.
I had dinner at 7 - which is normal.
But at the end of the day I realized I'd consumed a whooping 700 calories - that's it. Not a good thing.
So I ate some cheese - fat, protien, and calories. Mucho helpful.
I got up to 1100. Still not good, I need to get close to at least 1800 a day really. With my basal metabolism being so high, I should probably be eating a lot more - ok probably is an understatement.
The thing is, if I write down what I eat then I automatically eat less. I've had doctors and nutritionist all but call me a liar when they've seen my food journals. How is it possible to eat ONLY that much and still be fat? Well because I only eat just that much when I'm writting down what I eat. You'd think that this knowledge would lead me to the skinny light at the end of the lardass tunnel, right? Nope. Cause I've had this habit in the past of not writing things when I had an off day and went down off the sundae deep end. I'd just be embarassed of how much I ate that one day and not write it. Well that gave me the liberty to not write a whole lot. And then I gain weight.
So new approach? I'm very laid back on numbers. There is no complex formula for alotting calories at specific intervals throughout the day. There are no limits that shame me into cheating. There is only one rule - write it down honestly. So yes, that means I'm measuring things - but not to control calories, no its to maintain honesty with myself.
Freakin sweet right? So I tried not to freak out about the need for calories or the feeling of fullness when I *should* be starving. Nope, I'm listening to this big ole body of mine. I'm going to do what it wants. As long as I write it down honestly, I can eat it. Well ok thats a lie - I can't eat grains or legumes and I'm limiting my sugar intake - but that's because my body feels better that way. Grains really make me tired, hungry, and make my skin look less clear. Legumes - well I'm just listening to mark's daily apple on that part. Sugar - duh, there are 2093239028 books on why sugar should be, at the very least, limited and avoided. This is a subject I have yet to cover with my kidlets - they might revolt and take over at the thought of no sugar.
Ok that's all I got - its late and I have to be up early to drive to my friend's house. Her ultrasound is tomorrow and I'm going - takin the kids too! We're BEYOND excited - total baby hounds in this house.
I didn't have time to eat breakfast until damn near 11am.
I didn't have time period for a lunch.
I had dinner at 7 - which is normal.
But at the end of the day I realized I'd consumed a whooping 700 calories - that's it. Not a good thing.
So I ate some cheese - fat, protien, and calories. Mucho helpful.
I got up to 1100. Still not good, I need to get close to at least 1800 a day really. With my basal metabolism being so high, I should probably be eating a lot more - ok probably is an understatement.
The thing is, if I write down what I eat then I automatically eat less. I've had doctors and nutritionist all but call me a liar when they've seen my food journals. How is it possible to eat ONLY that much and still be fat? Well because I only eat just that much when I'm writting down what I eat. You'd think that this knowledge would lead me to the skinny light at the end of the lardass tunnel, right? Nope. Cause I've had this habit in the past of not writing things when I had an off day and went down off the sundae deep end. I'd just be embarassed of how much I ate that one day and not write it. Well that gave me the liberty to not write a whole lot. And then I gain weight.
So new approach? I'm very laid back on numbers. There is no complex formula for alotting calories at specific intervals throughout the day. There are no limits that shame me into cheating. There is only one rule - write it down honestly. So yes, that means I'm measuring things - but not to control calories, no its to maintain honesty with myself.
Freakin sweet right? So I tried not to freak out about the need for calories or the feeling of fullness when I *should* be starving. Nope, I'm listening to this big ole body of mine. I'm going to do what it wants. As long as I write it down honestly, I can eat it. Well ok thats a lie - I can't eat grains or legumes and I'm limiting my sugar intake - but that's because my body feels better that way. Grains really make me tired, hungry, and make my skin look less clear. Legumes - well I'm just listening to mark's daily apple on that part. Sugar - duh, there are 2093239028 books on why sugar should be, at the very least, limited and avoided. This is a subject I have yet to cover with my kidlets - they might revolt and take over at the thought of no sugar.
Ok that's all I got - its late and I have to be up early to drive to my friend's house. Her ultrasound is tomorrow and I'm going - takin the kids too! We're BEYOND excited - total baby hounds in this house.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Exhaustion much?
Considering all the sitting on my ass I did today - I am SUPER tired! Its insane! I hosted a playdate today with my wonderful friends. All together we were 5 moms, 9 kids, 2 obnoxious grandparents, and 1 house. Oh and a bowl of strawberries and grapes that lost their lives to greedy little fingers and mouths.
It was fun though, way fun :) I love having people over. My hostess skills are umm lacking, but I try.
Anyway, it was a long and fun day. First person arrived at 11am, last left at umm 6:30ish pm? So yes - a long day. A long day worth repeating! The kids are exhausted - well, one's sleeping and one is exhausted.
I did so little - its almost embarrassing!
But my friends understand :)
Girlie never stopped cracking me up...and dragging me to the bathroom with her. She was in her high chair, my friend's 2.5 year old walked by and she said "Hold me baby!" like it was the most natural thing in the world to say. I must admit, she knows how to work a man.
I did really well on my diety stuff today. I didn't eat the fries that smelled so so sooo goood. I drank my iced coffee, had a few strawberries and grapes and ate a salad when I got hungry. Good moves for me. I actually ate a salad for breakfast too - what can I say, it was that kinda day. Baby spinach and balsamic vineagerette? Yes please.
I would write something witty, but honestly I'm all out. I'm tired and ready to clean up the living room and just lay around after that. There are toys all over, like a giant toy bomb exploded and covered my living room in little toy shrapnel. But...that's how playdates go. One must expect the causalty of the day to be the living room.
It was fun though, way fun :) I love having people over. My hostess skills are umm lacking, but I try.
Anyway, it was a long and fun day. First person arrived at 11am, last left at umm 6:30ish pm? So yes - a long day. A long day worth repeating! The kids are exhausted - well, one's sleeping and one is exhausted.
I did so little - its almost embarrassing!
But my friends understand :)
Girlie never stopped cracking me up...and dragging me to the bathroom with her. She was in her high chair, my friend's 2.5 year old walked by and she said "Hold me baby!" like it was the most natural thing in the world to say. I must admit, she knows how to work a man.
I did really well on my diety stuff today. I didn't eat the fries that smelled so so sooo goood. I drank my iced coffee, had a few strawberries and grapes and ate a salad when I got hungry. Good moves for me. I actually ate a salad for breakfast too - what can I say, it was that kinda day. Baby spinach and balsamic vineagerette? Yes please.
I would write something witty, but honestly I'm all out. I'm tired and ready to clean up the living room and just lay around after that. There are toys all over, like a giant toy bomb exploded and covered my living room in little toy shrapnel. But...that's how playdates go. One must expect the causalty of the day to be the living room.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
BOV and the Gap.
Well my 3 hole punch just came flying off the top of my desk, bound for my face. I just had to defend myself from office supplies. It was intense, I could have died. Ok...maybe not. Maybe that's a slight exaggeration.
Anyway, back to the subject at hand.
BOV is a term that annoys me. Belly over vagina. Ok, I'm technical - your belly will ALWAYS be over your vagina. The vagina is the internal canal in which a child passes through to enter the world, a penis penetrates, and fluids escape. Its a tube in your body. INSIDE. Therefor, anytime you have a slight bloat, you have BOV, hell without a bloat you have BOV. In your face.
So lets call it belly over vulva. Your belly isn't perfectly flat and aligning with your rock hard abs. I will always be the proud owner of some sort of belly. Be it a bit of loose skin or a pudge - I shall rock that gut.
Right now I'm experiencing some reduction in BOV. The boychild pointed it out today. He said "Hey mom, your chubbies are smaller!" why thank you son, you know you started that roll, right? Ok so maybe I could have prevented the whole 80lb weight gain...but I didn't. Anyway, there is a reduction in c-section flap fat. HOORAY!!!
And the gap. I'm talkin about the towel gap. If you're a chubster like I am, you know this gap. You get out of the shower, try to wrap a towel around you and...it doesn't go all the way around. CRAP! Now you have to figure out how to make it out of the bathroom without flashing your entire household. So you upgrade to bath sheets and all is well...until the 2nd child and then BAM - the gap reappears! SO anyway, I've been dealing with gap issues. Today when I got out of the shower, I positioned the towel as I always do to make sure I flashed the most appropriate flesh. Then it hits me. I'm gapless!!!! Now..this is on the big towel, not your standard bath towel, but still!!! That means the BOV really IS getting smaller! My belly was the big gap problem. So that's motivating. Maybe in a few months I can look my regular towels in the eye again. I've been avoiding those towels for a loooong time now - over 2 years. At some point in my pregnancy with the girlkid I got the gap in my big towels and cried and cried - then I realized I was 7m pregnant and measuring 6 weeks ahead so it probably wasn't THAT big of a deal, I was just hugely pregnant. Girl turned out to be 9lbs 2oz at 37 weeks soo....yeah. Anyway I haven't exactly lost anything since then. I've been playing hide and seek with 20lbs the whole time, but that's it. Usually I'm it - but sometimes I can hide from the 20lbs.
I'm hoping to ditch those 20lbs for good now..plus all its dang 20lb family - I hear its a big family. I'm not sayin, I'm just saying.
Anyway, back to the subject at hand.
BOV is a term that annoys me. Belly over vagina. Ok, I'm technical - your belly will ALWAYS be over your vagina. The vagina is the internal canal in which a child passes through to enter the world, a penis penetrates, and fluids escape. Its a tube in your body. INSIDE. Therefor, anytime you have a slight bloat, you have BOV, hell without a bloat you have BOV. In your face.
So lets call it belly over vulva. Your belly isn't perfectly flat and aligning with your rock hard abs. I will always be the proud owner of some sort of belly. Be it a bit of loose skin or a pudge - I shall rock that gut.
Right now I'm experiencing some reduction in BOV. The boychild pointed it out today. He said "Hey mom, your chubbies are smaller!" why thank you son, you know you started that roll, right? Ok so maybe I could have prevented the whole 80lb weight gain...but I didn't. Anyway, there is a reduction in c-section flap fat. HOORAY!!!
And the gap. I'm talkin about the towel gap. If you're a chubster like I am, you know this gap. You get out of the shower, try to wrap a towel around you and...it doesn't go all the way around. CRAP! Now you have to figure out how to make it out of the bathroom without flashing your entire household. So you upgrade to bath sheets and all is well...until the 2nd child and then BAM - the gap reappears! SO anyway, I've been dealing with gap issues. Today when I got out of the shower, I positioned the towel as I always do to make sure I flashed the most appropriate flesh. Then it hits me. I'm gapless!!!! Now..this is on the big towel, not your standard bath towel, but still!!! That means the BOV really IS getting smaller! My belly was the big gap problem. So that's motivating. Maybe in a few months I can look my regular towels in the eye again. I've been avoiding those towels for a loooong time now - over 2 years. At some point in my pregnancy with the girlkid I got the gap in my big towels and cried and cried - then I realized I was 7m pregnant and measuring 6 weeks ahead so it probably wasn't THAT big of a deal, I was just hugely pregnant. Girl turned out to be 9lbs 2oz at 37 weeks soo....yeah. Anyway I haven't exactly lost anything since then. I've been playing hide and seek with 20lbs the whole time, but that's it. Usually I'm it - but sometimes I can hide from the 20lbs.
I'm hoping to ditch those 20lbs for good now..plus all its dang 20lb family - I hear its a big family. I'm not sayin, I'm just saying.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Simple.
I got a bill from my doctor's office. You know, one of those bills that they send you when your insurance doesn't cover the full amount of your visit? The ones they have no right sending you because the agreement is that you pay your copay and the rest is negotiated between the office and the insurance? That bill. Its a whopping $15. Meeeoooow that must be REALLY serious for them to not write it off, right? But...anyway.
On the bill it had the diagosis(s) that the doctor sent to the insurance. Lower back pain. WRONG. Its mid and upper back jackass, thanks for listening. Benign hypertention. Huh? Ok. And Simple Obesity. Simple? No sir, I'm quite complex, thank you :)
But on the other hand....Simple Obesity sounds promising. If it was that simple then it should be simple to get rid of it right? I'm just sayin, simple is a nice word.
I don't mind being simple in this one sense.
While I was out with my kids earlier I realized that I should have skipped the electrical training, skipped the medical assistant school, skipped the nursing pre reqs, skipped all that business management and accounting stuff and just gone to school to be a nutritionist. It would have saved me about $15000 and got me going a bit quicker. Wanna know why I didn't do it? I was chubby then - not fat, just soft. I didn't want to be the fat nutritionist! Then when I got down to average - not chubby, semi lean, good musuclar structure my then boyfriend grabbed my stomach and wiggled it and said something to the effect that I was pudgy and he liked it. No, I had a little loose skin from pregnancy and weight loss and I had a flap from my c-section. A LOT of c-section patients get a little pouchy flap that they just can't shake. Some are very fortunate and don't get it - bitches. Damn genetics. Anyway, I let that jackass screw with my self esteem. Then I stayed (!?!?!) for 3 more years and we planned our pregnancy, got a princess and he bounced. All the while I got heavier. Never again folks. Do not stay with a man who damages your self worth - even if he say it with a loving smile on his face - its not ok. That was the problem. He told me he loved me and called me his Queen and played with my belly fat. I was still losing weight up until he did that. Imagine - I let that comment and some ana internet ho's comment (she called my flap a spare tire - whatever, I'm so sorry I eat!) ruin my progress and MY self esteem.
Just sayin ladies - don't let your weight stop you from things that you have tons of interest in and don't let anyone's comments change who you are.
I also have someone that I lovingly(maybe) refer to as my Food Police. That would be my mother. "You're eating THAT???" yes mom, I am. "You think you should have that right now?" Why yes, I do - that's why I'm having it. "Em, I don't know if that's a good idea" ok ya know what - I quit. I'll just go to bed since I can't eat a freaking carrot!!!!
And yes, we have had that conversation over raw carrots before. Cause ya know, they're just soooo high in sugar, I should have an extremely over processed diet food instead. Damn you nature - damn you and your yummy veggies.
If you have food police repelant, please toss me a can.
On the bill it had the diagosis(s) that the doctor sent to the insurance. Lower back pain. WRONG. Its mid and upper back jackass, thanks for listening. Benign hypertention. Huh? Ok. And Simple Obesity. Simple? No sir, I'm quite complex, thank you :)
But on the other hand....Simple Obesity sounds promising. If it was that simple then it should be simple to get rid of it right? I'm just sayin, simple is a nice word.
I don't mind being simple in this one sense.
While I was out with my kids earlier I realized that I should have skipped the electrical training, skipped the medical assistant school, skipped the nursing pre reqs, skipped all that business management and accounting stuff and just gone to school to be a nutritionist. It would have saved me about $15000 and got me going a bit quicker. Wanna know why I didn't do it? I was chubby then - not fat, just soft. I didn't want to be the fat nutritionist! Then when I got down to average - not chubby, semi lean, good musuclar structure my then boyfriend grabbed my stomach and wiggled it and said something to the effect that I was pudgy and he liked it. No, I had a little loose skin from pregnancy and weight loss and I had a flap from my c-section. A LOT of c-section patients get a little pouchy flap that they just can't shake. Some are very fortunate and don't get it - bitches. Damn genetics. Anyway, I let that jackass screw with my self esteem. Then I stayed (!?!?!) for 3 more years and we planned our pregnancy, got a princess and he bounced. All the while I got heavier. Never again folks. Do not stay with a man who damages your self worth - even if he say it with a loving smile on his face - its not ok. That was the problem. He told me he loved me and called me his Queen and played with my belly fat. I was still losing weight up until he did that. Imagine - I let that comment and some ana internet ho's comment (she called my flap a spare tire - whatever, I'm so sorry I eat!) ruin my progress and MY self esteem.
Just sayin ladies - don't let your weight stop you from things that you have tons of interest in and don't let anyone's comments change who you are.
I also have someone that I lovingly(maybe) refer to as my Food Police. That would be my mother. "You're eating THAT???" yes mom, I am. "You think you should have that right now?" Why yes, I do - that's why I'm having it. "Em, I don't know if that's a good idea" ok ya know what - I quit. I'll just go to bed since I can't eat a freaking carrot!!!!
And yes, we have had that conversation over raw carrots before. Cause ya know, they're just soooo high in sugar, I should have an extremely over processed diet food instead. Damn you nature - damn you and your yummy veggies.
If you have food police repelant, please toss me a can.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Rituals
So I'm getting ready for bed and doing one of my best rituals. This is what I've done every night since, well always.
Go to the bathroom, pee about 1/2 a gallon
strip down and then realize I don't have my PJs
do this spy move sneak walk through the house to either my room or a pile of my folded laundry that hasn't put itself away yet
run back to bathroom - no spy moves, someone's already caught me by now
wash my face (for the last..I dunno over a year? I've oil cleansed, so someday when I'm 80, all my peers will be wrinkled and I'll still be smooth and flaunting myself - take that...in 55 years.)
brush teeth
fight with a sports bra - they're just NOT meant for fatties with tatas - but I make it happen! I WIN!!!
get PJs on
slather my lip with far too much chapstick
put on socks
pee again
pee again
pee again
pee again
did I mention I'm OCD about peeing before bed? I get phantom gotta-go pains too! its really odd.
pee again
and then get to the bed asap - if it takes longer than normal, if I make any stops...I gotta pee again.
Anyway the point here is that I have a ritual for bedtime. It might be sort of OCD in parts, but it works and hasn't caused real problems. In fact, it all makes me feel secure so I go to sleep quickly.
Rituals can be great. They can also be horrible.
I want my food journal to be a GREAT ritual. I want it to be a tool that I use always and that does serious good. I do NOT want it to be a bad ritual that leads to unhealthy habits and self destruction. Eating disorders can be really scary! Its REALLY easy to slip into those tendencies while dieting. It happens all the time. My goal is to keep the rituals healthy and helpful - avoid scary shit! So, write down what I eat - check. Eat in a way that I will consume so little calories in a day that an apple will break me - UNCHECK! Eat the way my body tells me to eat and let the numbers be what they are - check. Eat to look like a model - UNCHECK. Call my size 26 butt a fatty in a goofy/silly way - Check. Call myself a fatty in a tone of disgust or self hate? UNCHECK!!!
So yes, I will do things my way. I will call myself a fatty and giggle about it :) I will write down what I eat and be the neurotic chick with a notebook and pen at all times. Thank goodness for large purses. I will measure so much at home that I can get my portions exactly where I need them without a measuring utensil while out. One thing I need to remember this time - just cause I make great guesses does NOT mean I don't need to measure while home. Measuring cups and scales ARE my friend damnit.
My old bedtime ritual entailed eating something before starting my ritual. Maybe I'll try to blog instead now cause I have this spare time slot that's just dying to be filled.
Go to the bathroom, pee about 1/2 a gallon
strip down and then realize I don't have my PJs
do this spy move sneak walk through the house to either my room or a pile of my folded laundry that hasn't put itself away yet
run back to bathroom - no spy moves, someone's already caught me by now
wash my face (for the last..I dunno over a year? I've oil cleansed, so someday when I'm 80, all my peers will be wrinkled and I'll still be smooth and flaunting myself - take that...in 55 years.)
brush teeth
fight with a sports bra - they're just NOT meant for fatties with tatas - but I make it happen! I WIN!!!
get PJs on
slather my lip with far too much chapstick
put on socks
pee again
pee again
pee again
pee again
did I mention I'm OCD about peeing before bed? I get phantom gotta-go pains too! its really odd.
pee again
and then get to the bed asap - if it takes longer than normal, if I make any stops...I gotta pee again.
Anyway the point here is that I have a ritual for bedtime. It might be sort of OCD in parts, but it works and hasn't caused real problems. In fact, it all makes me feel secure so I go to sleep quickly.
Rituals can be great. They can also be horrible.
I want my food journal to be a GREAT ritual. I want it to be a tool that I use always and that does serious good. I do NOT want it to be a bad ritual that leads to unhealthy habits and self destruction. Eating disorders can be really scary! Its REALLY easy to slip into those tendencies while dieting. It happens all the time. My goal is to keep the rituals healthy and helpful - avoid scary shit! So, write down what I eat - check. Eat in a way that I will consume so little calories in a day that an apple will break me - UNCHECK! Eat the way my body tells me to eat and let the numbers be what they are - check. Eat to look like a model - UNCHECK. Call my size 26 butt a fatty in a goofy/silly way - Check. Call myself a fatty in a tone of disgust or self hate? UNCHECK!!!
So yes, I will do things my way. I will call myself a fatty and giggle about it :) I will write down what I eat and be the neurotic chick with a notebook and pen at all times. Thank goodness for large purses. I will measure so much at home that I can get my portions exactly where I need them without a measuring utensil while out. One thing I need to remember this time - just cause I make great guesses does NOT mean I don't need to measure while home. Measuring cups and scales ARE my friend damnit.
My old bedtime ritual entailed eating something before starting my ritual. Maybe I'll try to blog instead now cause I have this spare time slot that's just dying to be filled.
Ever wanna say?
Ever wanna call out to your people? Ever want to say "Come here fellow fattie! Lettuce do this together!" and then laugh at your little pun of course.
That's what I'm feeling right now. Someone do this too - someone motivate me while I motivate you! Someone...pass the damn salad! And load that damn thing with veggies - not processed meatfoods, cheese and 1/2 a bottle of ranch! Hell, toss the damn ranch, you know you keep a bottle in your purse and that's just wrong.
Today I feel fat and empowered - and empowered fatty who's not thinkin about the next meal or snack. Mmhmm that's me.
I've been keeping a food journal. No goal, no limits, no calorie restrictions set. Just a notebook and a pen.
Why? Because frankly that's all I need to diet. I don't need limits. I just need to honestly write down what I'm eating. Now, to be honest I have to measure things and whatnot, but I'm not saying "Ok only eat 400 calories per meal, 2 snacks at 200 calories each, no sugar, only 20g carbs or less and nothing but water!" nope, not I.
I was already eating primally/paleo/traditionally. One change at a time, right? So I've been doing that for a few months. What that means is that I try to eat less processed foods- the closer to its natural state the better, no grains, avoid sugar, no legumes. That's all. Just stickin to what nature made basically. Now, I'm definitely not perfect, I just try. In fact, I had a very small bowl (about 1/2 cup) of ice cream when we went to a buffet (fat kid's paradise, dieter's hell hole!) for dinner today. I also had ome honey mustard dressing on my salad. But anyway, like I said, I try.
So I'm sticking with my primal eating - it makes my body feel better and makes me more clear/focused. Now I'm writting down what I eat as well. I'm coming up around 1600-1800 a day. Not setting a goal, just eating to satisfaction and writting it down. There is power in the pen damnit! If I could just stick with that in the long run I'd be all hot and stuff again - but forever!
I used to write down what I ate and I did great with it - lost a lot of weight, body was right, hair was right - face is ALWAYS right bebe lol and I felt good. Then I got with my ex and got lazy. yeah - no more of that! Then I had my daughter, then I had 2 spinal surgeries. So 3 surgeries in 2 years and 2 spinal blocks in that time - its been a crazy 2 years! I'm gonna get this weight down for my back. I have degenerative disc disease and I have 1 fusion so far, but 8 other discs that will need to be fused in the future. I'm hoping to get my weight under control before that time comes so that recovery is easier this time!
So anyway, I'm calling my fellow fat girls and boys! Come to me, come to me like I am cake!!! Join me on my mission. Lose some freaking weight!
That's what I'm feeling right now. Someone do this too - someone motivate me while I motivate you! Someone...pass the damn salad! And load that damn thing with veggies - not processed meatfoods, cheese and 1/2 a bottle of ranch! Hell, toss the damn ranch, you know you keep a bottle in your purse and that's just wrong.
Today I feel fat and empowered - and empowered fatty who's not thinkin about the next meal or snack. Mmhmm that's me.
I've been keeping a food journal. No goal, no limits, no calorie restrictions set. Just a notebook and a pen.
Why? Because frankly that's all I need to diet. I don't need limits. I just need to honestly write down what I'm eating. Now, to be honest I have to measure things and whatnot, but I'm not saying "Ok only eat 400 calories per meal, 2 snacks at 200 calories each, no sugar, only 20g carbs or less and nothing but water!" nope, not I.
I was already eating primally/paleo/traditionally. One change at a time, right? So I've been doing that for a few months. What that means is that I try to eat less processed foods- the closer to its natural state the better, no grains, avoid sugar, no legumes. That's all. Just stickin to what nature made basically. Now, I'm definitely not perfect, I just try. In fact, I had a very small bowl (about 1/2 cup) of ice cream when we went to a buffet (fat kid's paradise, dieter's hell hole!) for dinner today. I also had ome honey mustard dressing on my salad. But anyway, like I said, I try.
So I'm sticking with my primal eating - it makes my body feel better and makes me more clear/focused. Now I'm writting down what I eat as well. I'm coming up around 1600-1800 a day. Not setting a goal, just eating to satisfaction and writting it down. There is power in the pen damnit! If I could just stick with that in the long run I'd be all hot and stuff again - but forever!
I used to write down what I ate and I did great with it - lost a lot of weight, body was right, hair was right - face is ALWAYS right bebe lol and I felt good. Then I got with my ex and got lazy. yeah - no more of that! Then I had my daughter, then I had 2 spinal surgeries. So 3 surgeries in 2 years and 2 spinal blocks in that time - its been a crazy 2 years! I'm gonna get this weight down for my back. I have degenerative disc disease and I have 1 fusion so far, but 8 other discs that will need to be fused in the future. I'm hoping to get my weight under control before that time comes so that recovery is easier this time!
So anyway, I'm calling my fellow fat girls and boys! Come to me, come to me like I am cake!!! Join me on my mission. Lose some freaking weight!
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