oh man oh man

I have to see my doc this week. I need a refill on my pain meds and I'm NOT happy about seeing that dude. We don't get along. He's lacking of compassion and I go overboard with compassion. He thinks that my outer expressions should be very telling of my inner feelings. So if I come in and I'm not in the fetal position with cheeks stained with tears then I MUST not be in pain. Fortunately he has a PA who understands pain is subjective rather than objective. I'm not a whiner. Most people don't know how bad my pain can get because I won't say anything. I don't expect people to just know, I expect people to not notice lol
I don't want special treatment and I don't want pity because I'm in pain. I'm always going to be in pain with my back problems,I want a normal life. So no, I won't be grunting and whincing and I will try my ass off not to walk oddly (although I fail there because my body has a mind of its own) so that people don't cater to me,baby me, or try to make things easier for me. I'll let people know when I need help - but let me try first! I'm pretty good at letting people know when I need something. Which is why I'm on these pain meds - I need some help so I can function as well as I do.
My doc is also under the impression that while it took him 3-4m to lose 5lbs,that it should take me about 2 weeks to lose 150lbs. Ok maybe 3 weeks.
He's just...we're not a good match. I keep saying I'll find another doctor but I'm a bit afraid of going to someone new with all my problems and my list of medications. I just don't want that doubt or someone thinking I'm drug seeking. I KNOW my doc thinks it sometimes,but he SAYS it. He's been burned a lot apparently. I've told him that HIS bad judge of character doesn't make ME a bad person. He's been my doc for 5 years and I haven't screwed him over. I don't take my meds to feel good,I take them to get a step closer to normally functional. That's all. Unfortunately when he referred me to my pain specialist he ONLY set me up with one who does proceedures, not prescribes meds. I need one of each. The level my fusion at is tricky. Its a bit high. My pain doc does steriod injections for LOW back pain and my level is at T12/L1 so its mid back. The injections help SOME but they don't do anything for my higher back pain. I'm also WAAAY late to get my injections (bilateral nerve block actually) because the arm on his imaging machine is broken - got fixed and broke again. A LOT of us are NOT happy or healthy or functional right now because of that. So no nerve block, my neurologist is in clincs and not returning calls for another med (that I have some left of thank god) and I have to see my crazy primary doc for pain meds and he'll be all in a huff about why my pain doc isn't doing the prescribing. Not the bestest of weeks for the doc and me.